


Lean into Me

by emr_0725



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before (Movies), To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han
Genre: College, F/M, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Future Fic, Jealous Peter, Love, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Lara Jean Song-Covey, Post-Canon, Romance, what happens next
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:08:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 27,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28695957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emr_0725/pseuds/emr_0725
Summary: What comes next... The story of Lara Jean and Peter starting with the final scene in "Always & Forever, Lara Jean".
Relationships: Peter Kavinsky/Lara Jean Song-Covey
Comments: 263
Kudos: 335





	1. What I have is right here

**Author's Note:**

> I am pushing this fic out because I need to escape into my Covinsky feels (again). This is my take on what happens next. Hope you are all doing well.

The night is clear and warm although the humidity of the day has dissipated.The sound of the gentle current of the water combined with the chirping of the cicadas is creating a type of summery white noise.Peter and Lara Jean are laying out on the blanket, so close that their sides are touching and they are looking at the night sky, hoping to catch a glance of the Perseids. 

Peter turns onto his side and faces Lara Jean, studying the smooth planes of her face, lit up by the moon and the small camping lantern Dr. Covey told them to bring along, and he’s feeling the familiar ache in his chest, the one that’s been present ever since Lara Jean decided to go to UNC.

“Peter, you’re going to miss it,” Lara Jean says, so quiet her voice is almost a whisper.

“I don’t want to spend my last night with you looking at anything else,” his voice is low and thick.

She turns onto her side, too, and Peter can see that her eyes have a teary sheen.He pulls her over to him and breathes in her scent.He hears her delicate sniff and holds her tight against him.

Peter can feel her rhythmic breathing against his chest, and he strokes her hair.He’s gotten so used to how she burrows into him.Lately he’s been sneaking into her room long after everyone else has gone to bed and sleeping with her every night, her body molded into his after having long whispered conversations.There is not one curve of her body that doesn’t fit into his, and he’s already nostalgic for the feel of her soft warmth pressed against him.He thinks his mom has an idea of his sleeping arrangements, but he doesn’t care.After all the drama she caused this summer, she knows she doesn’t have a leg to stand on.And he’s feeling reckless, driven by his need to be with Lara Jean for every second possible before she leaves.

He looks down at her and when he sees that she is gazing at him with those dark almond eyes, he tilts his head down and kisses her softly, relishing the way she immediately opens her mouth. She’s sighing and her body is becoming more yielding in his arms and he has to check himself before he gets lost in how good she feels.She’s been wanting more, and although he _wants_ it, and it’s taken every fiber of his being not to, he’s going to wait until it’s not part of a goodbye. 

“Peter, you know I want to,” she says, looking up at him, making him feel weak as she winds her leg over him.

“Let’s wait a little while longer,” he says softly, running his hand under dress and feeling the smoothness of her thigh.Her eyelids are heavy, and he knows she’s feeling it by the way her body is pressing onto his. 

“Okay,” she whispers, her hands in his hair, her lips on his neck. 

He’s savoring tonight, knowing that they won’t have another like this for a while.Looking into the eyes of his girl, feeling her perfect skin, hearing her whisper… He’s memorizing it all.And he can’t focus on anything else except Lara Jean in this moment.With one hand grazing her thigh and one hand wrapped in her silky hair, with her curves against him, he can’t stop looking and listening and feeling.

He hears her sniffle again, and brings her chin up and forces a smile.“Covey, my season doesn’t even really start until winter.I’ll have practice but it’s not going to be crazy until games start.We’re going to see each other a lot this fall, okay?”

She nods as he wipes her tears away with the pads of his thumbs. 

A pool of desperation hits his gut. Is she already resigned to believing that this isn’t going to work?Because that’s the thing with her….They understand each other so deeply but even he can’t penetrate some of her walls.So sweet and romantic and dreamy-eyed, but she’ll cut and run if he’s not careful.She’s done it before.And he knows his own limitations - he can’t fight the pull, the pull that brings him to his knees around her.He needs her.

“Peter, look!”Lara Jean points to the sky, her eyes wide in wonder, her mouth curved into a sweet smile.

But he keeps his eyes on her, wanting to capture the moment as it's reflected on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love your feedback. Leave a comment if you have time! 
> 
> _____________________
> 
> Chapter title from "Islands" by The xx


	2. If you wait on me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter is looking at the campus map on his phone, trying to navigate his way to Lara Jean’s dorm when all of a sudden he’s almost taken down by a blur of sweet-smelling warmth. He closes his eyes for a second. Déjà vu…. He automatically brings up his arms to support her weight, hands on her bare back, her legs wrapping around his waist, arms thrown around his neck, her lips already on his. As he pulls back a little to take a look at her, his face breaks out into the cocky goofy grin she loves so much.

“Peter, are you sure you want to do this?” His mom is looking skeptically at him, and he feels a flash of anger.

“Yeah.”He’s short.

“Honey, please.I’m sorry- “

“I think you still owe Lara Jean an apology.You’ve already said sorry to me.”

She sighs.“You’re right.I never see her anymore.”

“Wonder why that is?” He’s sarcastic. “And I am buying the parking spot for this year.I have the money, and I won’t need it for anything else.The stipend from school is enough to get by.”

She sighs again, resigned.“Okay.” 

When she turns away back to the dishes, he sees her shoulders sag a little and he starts to feel bad. If his dad wasn't such an asshole, none of this would have happened.

In a lighter tone he says, “So are you going to make me my favorite dinner before I leave?You’re not going to see me on my birthday, you know.” 

She turns to him and gives him a wide smile.“Of course, Peter.You know I live to serve you.”

He grins at her and says, “And don’t forget I like fresh grated parmesan cheese on top!None of that powdered stuff.I want it hand grated.And don’t forget my cake. Nineteen candles.I want the kind that light up like sparklers.”

“Oh brother, you can be such a diva,” she laughs and then says, gently,“Peter?I am really sorry.Bring Lara Jean by next time she’s in town.I’ll talk to her.”

He nods, serious now.“Okay.”

* * *

“Hey,” she’s smiling, dimples out, black hair fanned out on her pillow. 

“How was your day?”

“Good.I had to wait in line forever to buy my books, but afterwards I had lunch with some of the people in my hall. And I spent the rest of my day hanging out with Em.”

“She seems cool.”She said hi on one of their FaceTime calls, and she was cute and friendly, already a little protective of Lara Jean, looking him over carefully with discerning eyes. 

“Yeah, she’s great.I lucked out.”

“She doesn’t care that you’re Pig Pen?”He teases.

“Shut up!I hide it from her.I stuff everything in my closet and under the bed.”She’s giggling.

He laughs, his eyes crinkling up in the way she loves.“Covey, you are so gorgeous and always perfect looking and smelling and everything, but man, your room is something else.I think I saw a plate of old food in there once.”

She pouts at him.“Stop shaming me!”

He takes a second to look at those lips and says, “God I miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” she says softly.“You sure you can come up this weekend?You don’t have to.I know - ”

“No I’m coming,” he grins.“Kitty already gave me a box of stuff to give you.But can you do me a favor and make sure to check out the gym situation there?I can’t miss a work out.”

“I already did.I got you a pass.”

“See I knew you got me,” he smiles at her.“I should get going.I have an early work out tomorrow.”

“Okay,” she whispers.

“Okay,” he smiles at her.“I love you.”

“I love you, Peter.”

* * *

Lara Jean spends a large part of her week preparing for Peter’s visit. She uses the common kitchen to bake lemon cookies and salted caramel cupcakes, shooing her hall mates away when they come for a taste.She was relieved earlier in the week when the coconut hair mask she ordered finally arrived and she spent most of Tuesday feeling humiliated about a conversation with Chris about grooming.She cringes thinking about it. _“What?Don’t tell me you rock a 70s vibe, LJ!_ ”On Friday morning, she goes to the store and buys cartons of protein shake and sticks them in the back of her little fridge, next to all the crudite she cut up.

She takes time thinking about what to wear, and decides on a floral print halter sundress, wearing a matching nude lace strapless bra and panties set she bought in Korea underneath.She ties her hair up into a loose low bun, knowing that Peter will pull it out the first chance he gets.

She’s so excited that she feels jittery, like she drank too much coffee on an empty stomach.It’s been two full weeks since she’s seen him and she misses him so much it hurts sometimes. And she’s been longing for him - his grin, the teasing, his beautiful eyes never leaving her, his laugh, his curls, the toe-curling kisses, and just _everything Peter_.

She smiles to herself thinking about how Em will be gone all weekend.And now, with no roommate, coconut-scented hair, pretty lingerie, Peter’s favorite treats baked, room cleaned and sheets changed, she is pretty sure that Peter won’t be able wait any longer.Because she wants him, and she’s pulling out all the stops to make sure it happens. 

* * *

“You leaving right now?” asks Derek, one of Peter’s teammates that shares the suite with him.

“I just have to get a run in first, and then I’ll get going.”

“She’s really pretty,” Derek says, nodding at the picture of Lara Jean on his desk.

Peter doesn’t say anything and busies himself with tying his sneakers.

“Dude, you need to relax.I’m not going to creep on your girl,” Derek laughs. 

Peter gives him a sheepish smile and shrugs.

“Damn, you must be really into her if you think I would want to steal your long-distance girlfriend,” Derek laughs again.“How would I even do that?Slide into her DMs and then have a virtual date with her?”

Peter scowls at him.“Shut up.”

“I’m actually glad you’re taken.You won’t interfere with my game, not that you would be much competition.”

He raises his eyebrows.“Whatever, man.Why don’t you stop worrying about my relationship and take a run with me.I don’t think Coach would count your lip flapping as an actual work out.”

Derek hoots. “Hold up.Let me get my stuff on.”

* * *

Peter is looking at the campus map on his phone, trying to navigate his way to Lara Jean’s dorm when all of a sudden he’s almost taken down by a blur of sweet-smelling warmth. He closes his eyes for a second. _Déjà vu…._ He automatically brings up his arms to support her weight, hands on her bare back, her legs wrapping around his waist, arms thrown around his neck, her lips already on his.As he pulls backa little to take a look at her, his face breaks out into the cocky goofy grin she loves so much.

His eyes become more intense and heated as they sweep over her face and neckline. He brushes his lips on the locket nestled in the middle of her collarbone.

“Hey, Covey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I love to hear from you. 
> 
> _______________________________
> 
> Chapter title from "Hot Like Fire" by The xx


	3. Kiss, kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She takes a cookie from the container and brings it to his lips. “Are you hungry?” She asks softly. He nods and opens his mouth, smiling as she feeds him. She puts her arms around his neck and sighs. “I could get used to this treatment,” he says, pulling the tie holding her bun out of her hair, and he watches her shake her hair out. He runs his hand through it, loving how it’s catching the sunlight, looking red and brown for few seconds before turning jet black again.

As they make their way into the residence hall, Lara Jean holds Peter’s arm tightly and gazes up at him with a huge smile on her face.She’s so close to him that he’s having a hard time walking, and he loves it.

They pass by a group of students in the lounge on her floor and they call out to her, but she just smiles and waves and continues to lead him down the hall to her room. He’s glad.He doesn’t want to spend a minute making small talk.He wants her all to himself, for however much time they have.

When she opens the door to her sunny double, he looks around, recognizing the space from her FaceTime tour.He takes his shoes off and sits down on her bed, moving so his back is against the wall and watches as she rummages in the cabinet above the fridge, her arm reaching up gracefully and exposing the bare side of her dress bodice.She pulls out a tupperware container and comes and sits on his lap, facing him.He pulls her in for a hug, and runs his hand up and down the soft smoothness of her back. 

She takes a cookie from the container and brings it to his lips.“Are you hungry?” She asks softly.He nods and opens his mouth, smiling as she feeds him.She puts her arms around his neck and sighs.“I could get used to this treatment,” he says, pulling the tie holding her bun out of her hair, and he watches her shake her hair out. He runs his hand through it, loving how it’s catching the sunlight, looking red and brown for few seconds before turning jet black again. 

She looks up at him through her lashes, her dimpled smile making his stomach somersault, and then she leans in again, kissing him with those lips.When she breaks the kiss, he pulls her back in.“More,” he says, husky, bringing his lips to hers and sliding his tongue in her mouth, feeling her supple curves push onto him. The kisses are slow and deep and tender, and they keep kissing as it turns to dusk, not moving from their space on the bed, the cookies and everything else long forgotten.

He smiles when Lara Jean reaches her arms up to stretch.“Are you sore from all of my kisses?”Her lips are swollen and red and her eyes are soft and dark, and he reclines to lie on his side so he can see all of her.She suddenly moves off the bed and stands up.He raises his eyebrows in question and she gives him a shy smile and says, “Em isn’t here this weekend, so I thought…” She blushes and lowers her eyes as she unties the halter and slides the zipper down her dress.

He’s watching her stand in front of him, the ambient light from the windows giving an otherworldly quality to her beauty, her hair and eyes so dark against her skin.He looks at her body and sees how her curves are perfectly encased in nude lace and he has to collect himself.The thought that she planned this all is making him a little lightheaded.He’s nervous. 

She steps closer to him.“Peter?”Uncertain.

He sits up on the edge of the bed and pulls her between his legs, resting his head on her stomach, his large warm hands on her waist.

“Are you sure?” His voice is muffled against her.He feels her nod, her hands in his hair.

He kisses her stomach and then pulls her up on the bed in one fluid movement.He hovers over her, his messy curls falling on his forehead, breathing hard, his eyes are open and watching her as his lips trail down to her neck and then over her chest.He moves his way down to her breasts and sucks on her nipple and when she gasps and arches up into his mouth, he starts to let go and things become more heated.She can feel him hard against her leg and reaches forward to unbutton his jeans and pull them down.She strokes him and smiles when he groans and moves his hips.This part she loves the most - his reaction to her touch.

“Do you want me to…?” He asks, his fingers on the sides of her panties.When she nods, the corners of his mouth quirk up before he moves down to do the other part that she loves so much, the part that he’s never done with anyone but her.She thinks back to how they fumbled through it, with a lot of bashfulness (at one point she covered her face with her hands until Peter gently coaxed them off) until they figured out exactly what she likes, making the shocking discovery of how intensely she fell apart together.And the realization that Peter loved doing it made her love and trust him even more.And there’s no one else she’d want to do any of this with.It’s Peter, the boy she loves, who is so careful and safe and so eager to make her feel good.

“I like these,” he murmurs, tugging on her panties.“I got them in Korea,” she says, a little breathless.“Oh,” he looks up at her, his eyes so dark.He kisses the inside of her thigh, and she braces herself.“Were you thinking about me when you bought them?Doing this?”He’s talking against her thigh now, his warm breath heating her body and she can’t speak anymore.She nods and sighs, and smiles when she feels him chuckle against her.She loses herself in the warmth of his mouth and his hungry sounds, but when she gets close she murmurs, “ _Peter_ …”

He smirks when she reaches to pull a condom out of her nightstand drawer, but when he rips it open and rolls it on, she notices his hands are shaky and his eyes are wide.He kisses her softly as he settles on his elbows over her.“Are you sure?” He asks again, his voice uneven and low 

“Yes, I love you, Peter” she says gently with a smile, trying to reassure him.She pulls him down to her, wanting to feel his body on her.He’s breathing hard and exhales quickly as he enters her, and she feels a sharp pain that makes her wince and grip his shoulders.

He’s shaking with the effort to stay in control.“Are you ok?” he gasps, close to her ear. 

She nods, but he doesn’t move.He kisses her neck and runs his hand over her hair, brushing it off her face.She adjusts her legs, opening up her hips and relaxing a little, and he moans at the movement, resting his forehead on hers, keeping still but feeling like he might explode.He’s not sure if he’s still shaking or if she is. “It’s ok…you can…” she says, her voice small and foreign.He puts his hands under her, carefully bringing her up to him, and she whimpers, feeling herself open up and take him in completely.He starts moving a little, still watching her and checking himself, and kisses her some more, open-mouthed and tender.She begins to feel a hot wave course over her body that she needs to chase, tilting her hips up to get closer to him, and when he can tell from her sighs and gasps and moves that she is enjoying it, he thrusts deeper.“Does it feel good?”He’s murmuring into her ear. She can feel the sweat on his back as she clutches onto him.She nods and she kisses him.“Do you… like it?” she asks, her lips on his neck now.He huffs out a breath and looks at her with half closed eyes.“Uh-huh….you feel so fucking good.I love it.”She runs her hands down his back and presses into his bottom, relishing the feel of his body moving while he’s inside of her.“God, I love you,” he pants.He’s moving faster now and he brings his hand to rub her and she starts to come undone. She cries out, surprising herself with how desperate she sounds, and he loses it, pushing into her, and then groaning loudly, shuddering on top of her.

Afterwards, they curl up in their familiar way, like two cashews nestled against each other, their bodies sticky from the exertion.It’s quiet and dark, the air hot and heavy and they can hear the faint sounds from her neighbors and people in the hall.Peter buries his face in her hair and brings a hand to her hip as she presses her back into him, both of them reverent and silent as they take in the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you readers! Love your feedback.
> 
> ____________________
> 
> Chapter title from "Hot Like Fire" by The xx


	4. Don't look away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Lara Jean wakes up, she is disoriented in the pitch black darkness. Her back is pressed against Peter’s torso, and his arm is draped over her side, his hand on her abdomen. She realizes in surprise that they are both still naked, the heat from Peter’s body keeping her warm. She blinks slowly, trying to adjust her eyes to the darkness, but otherwise keeps as still as possible, wanting to take the quiet time to commit every detail of what just happened to memory.

When Lara Jean wakes up, she is disoriented in the pitch black darkness.Her back is pressed against Peter’s torso, and his arm is draped over her side, his hand on her abdomen.She realizes in surprise that they are both still naked, the heat from Peter’s body keeping her warm.She blinks slowly, trying to adjust her eyes to the darkness, but otherwise keeps as still as possible, wanting to take the quiet time to commit every detail of what just happened to memory.

She feels him start to stir and turns around to face him. 

“Hey,” he smiles, a little sheepish, with warm eyes.

“Hey,” she whispers.All of a sudden she’s shy and averts her eyes.

“What?” He chuckles softly.

She shrugs, and smiles at him, and he takes his hand and presses two long fingers gently into her dimples.“What are these for?” He asks, grinning now.

She laughs quietly and blushes and buries her face in his chest, loving his faint scent of soap, sweat, and outside. 

“Are you…uh..okay?” He asks, sounding a little uncertain himself, and she knows what he’s asking.

“Yeah…. Kind of sore.” He winces when she says that, and she knows he feels bad, that he could hurt her physically, even for a few seconds or minutes or whatever it was.

“I’m fine, Peter.”And she is.“I loved it.”

“Yeah?”She nods, and she’s happy when smug Peter returns.“I could tell.”She scoffs, rolling her eyes.

“Come here,” he laughs as he pulls her closer.“So we’re good?” He asks, looking down at her, his eyes still a little worried.

“We’re perfect,” she giggles.“But we’re hungry.”

“Let’s order something,” He reaches down to get his jeans.“Don’t get up.Decide what you want and I’ll go get it.” 

* * *

When Peter wakes up, Lara Jean is still sound asleep, her hair spilling onto his chest, and her face nestled into the base of his neck. After the haziness of the evening wore off, they tore into the pad thai Peter picked up and then he polished off the lemon cookies, laughing at how hungry they were.Then they took turns taking showers before returning to her room to cuddle and watch Netflix until they fell asleep. Still, in spite of the comforting familiarity between them, they are both processing the intensity of what happened and it is creating a kind of timid and secretive shared intimate space .Peter finds himself stealing glances at Lara Jean often, and when she meets his eye, she blushes before turning away, a small closed-mouth smile tugging at her lips.

He’s overwhelmed by it all and is already dreading having to go back to Virginia without her.He’s confronted with the realization that he only has one night left, and he hates the thought of being so far away after being so close, the closest they’ve ever been.He won’t be able to check in with her like he did before and although she seems happy now, he’s worried where her head will take her once he leaves.

But he’s here right now, next to his girl who’s so close, tucked into his body and sleeping so peacefully in his arms.And even though he knows he should let her sleep, they have so little time together and he needs more.He pulls her in closer and moves his lips and tongue over her neck, not stopping until he hears her sigh.

“Good morning,” he whispers, smiling into her neck.

“Mmpf.”Her eyes are still closed, but he feels the subtle pressure of her body against his, her breasts pushed up on his chest and when he feels her lips ghost his ear, he knows she’s feeling it and he takes over, touching and kissing and nibbling until she comes out of her languid state and tells him with her sighs and murmurs and breaths that she’s ready for him.And this time it’s more fluid as they fall into a rhythm quickly and Peter is in disbelief that it could feel this good and so right.

* * *

“Want me to get you breakfast before I work out?”He’s dressed for the gym already, and she’s reading in bed.“I didn’t know if you’d want it this early.”

“No, I’m fine. The pass is on my desk.”

“Thanks.How’d you swing this?”

“Someone from my Econ study group gave it to me.”She smiles.“He’s on the soccer team and said he could get me as many as I needed.He said you could get a protein shake over there, but I bought some of those cartons just in case.” 

“You’re amazing,Covey.”

“I texted you the location.You need to bring your license, too.”

“Okay, I’ll see you in a couple of hours. Love you.” He bends down to kiss her, grinning as she turns over, already engrossed in her book.

She meets him at the gym when he’s done, and they take a walk, Lara Jean pointing out the buildings and sites.She wants him to see Chapel Hill like she does, showing him the reading room at the library, holding onto his hand tightly, their fingers laced together. 

When they start to head back, she keeps holding his arm the way that he loves and every time he looks at her she’s smiling at him.

“Covey, I’m loving how needy you are.”He’s grinning at her.

“Excuse me?”

“I’ve only been here for two days and you jumped me twice, and look at you, you can barely keep your paws off of me.” He’s teasing her, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

She opens her mouth in shock, and shoves her hands in the pockets of her shorts.“Okay, Peter,” she says smiling.

“Come on… I was just kidding.Hold my arm again.”

“Nope.”She shakes her head, her ponytail swishing defiantly, and starts walking at a faster clip.

He jogs up to her, laughing, and swings his arm around her, holding her so tight that she squeaks a little.He gives her a sloppy wet kiss on her cheek, making her squeal and says, smiling, his eyes bright and sincere, “I love that you need me.”

* * *

After his afternoon run he walks into the dorm and he sees Lara Jean standing against a wall in the lobby, looking at her phone while she waits for him.He starts walking over to her, but a tall guy in a UNC warm up suit approaches her first and starts talking to her, leaning a little onto the wall above her and laughing.He hands her a little paper bag and walks away, turning back to give her a final look before he leaves, a look that Peter is so familiar with that his jaw tightens and his neck gets hot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting!
> 
> _______________________
> 
> Chapter title from "Basic Space" by The xx


	5. The more I see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Covey,
> 
> Remember that time you jumped me? Are you wondering which time because there have been so many? I’m thinking about the first time…. I liked that kiss.
> 
> Bummed that I won’t be able to see you on my birthday. Can you send me my cake when you send my gifts? And cookies, too? 
> 
> Wishing I could hug you…and do some other things to you… right now.
> 
> Miss you.
> 
> Love, Peter

_Covey,_

_Remember that time you jumped me?Are you wondering which time because there have been so many?I’m thinking about the first time…. I liked that kiss._

_Bummed that I won’t be able to see you on my birthday.Can you send me my cake when you send my gifts?And cookies, too?_

_Wishing I could hug you…and do some other things to you… right now._

_Miss you._

_Love, Peter_

Lara Jean chuckles as she reads his letter.Then she smoothes it out and puts it in the pink linen covered folder that she bought to keep all of his letters safe.And she sets the Homesick Virginia candle he sent with it on her flameless candle burner, feeling a little spoiled by the attention. She then grins to herself, thinking about the surprise visit she has planned to see Peter on his birthday.As luck would have it, her friend Josie is driving home to DC for a wedding and offered to give her a ride on the way.Lara Jean was so grateful she almost burst into tears.She feels guilty not telling her dad or Kitty about her trip, but she will have only a couple of days to be with Peter and she wants to make his birthday special.

She found Derek on Instagram and messaged him about her plan to come on Friday and surprise him after practice, and she is so giddy with anticipation that she can barely sit still for a minute.Her bag has been packed for days, she bought a cake caddy to carry his special caramel cake, and dug into her graduation money to buy a blue dress that she knows he’ll love.

“LJ?”There’s a knock on the door and Adam pokes his head in.

“Hey, what’s up?” she smiles.

“I stopped by to see Kyle upstairs and wanted to see if we are on for study group tomorrow.” He smiles at her.

“Oh, not this time.I’m going to Charlottesville to visit Peter.” 

“Okay, maybe we can do a review next week?”

“Sure, sounds good.”

“Hey, think fast,” he says, smiling widely, lobbing over a little bar of chocolate, laughing when she scrambles to catch it.

“What is this?” She says, turning it over.

“It’s Teuscher’s. My parents just sent me a care package.”

“Oh, thanks!”

“Have a good weekend,” he says, grinning at her.“But don’t forget to come back.Your econ partner needs you to decipher all those case studies.”

She laughs.“I’ll see you next week.”

He turns to leave and runs into Em on his way out.She raises her eyebrows at Lara Jean after he leaves.“Who is that?”

“That’s Adam, the guy I told you about.Remember?From Econ?”

“That’s Adam?”

“Yeah.Why?”

“Um, only that he’s super hot.I was expecting him to be more nerdy or something. I don’t know….”

“Well, that’s him…Mmmmm… This is so good, want some?” Lara Jean waves the chocolate bar.

“Sure.Oh my god, this is amazing.Where’d you get it?”

“Adam gave it to me when he dropped by.”

“He dropped by to give you chocolate?”

“Well no, to schedule our study group.”

“LJ, does he know you have a boyfriend?”

“Of course!” She’s indignant.

“Ok, sorry,” Em says hastily, pushing her bangs off her forehead.“It just sounds like he’s interested.”

“No way.”She dismisses her.“We’re friends.He knows I’m with Peter."

* * *

She stands a little ways off the field, where Derek told her to.There is a group of guys talking by the goal, all wearing the same practice uniforms, but it’s unmistakable which one is Peter, even from this far away. The casual stance, broad shoulders, crazy curls, and the way he twists his stick over his shoulder are just so Peter. They start walking towards her, but he is so immersed in conversation that he doesn’t notice that she’s standing there.

When they are about to pass, she calls out, “Happy Birthday Kavinsky!”She’s grinning and waves at him.He turns slowly, staring in disbelief and then grins and jogs over to her, picking her up and swinging her around.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, nuzzling her face. 

“Birthday surprise!” she says, cupping his cheeks.“I couldn’t miss your nineteenth birthday!I’m here for the weekend.”

“You are?”

“Yeah, I know you have clinic tomorrow but I’ll just hang out and do work while you’re gone.”

“Did you make plans with your family for tonight?Cause I have-”

“No, they kind of don’t know I’m here.I’m, uh, staying with you.” She smiles shyly.

“Oh.” A slow smile spreads over his face.

She smiles back at him and holds onto his arm as they make their way across the field.

“Wait, how did you get here?Did you fly?”

“No, my friend Josie had a wedding in DC so she dropped me off.”

“Where’s your stuff?”

“In your room.Derek let me in.”

“Derek?”

“Yes. You know, your roommate and teammate?” She raises her eyebrows at him.

“Uh-huh.I know him,” Peter looks at her.

“What?He’s really nice and funny.I like him.”

“He’s just been giving me so much shit about you. I know he’s going to flirt with you to mess with me.”

She snickers.“Peter come on.If I were going to leave you, it wouldn’t be for Derek.It would be for someone like Common - ” He gasps and pokes her, and she smirks.“Or Ezra Koenig or Barack Obama or Khaled Hosseini or-”She’s laughing hard as he picks her up and pretends he’s going to drop her into into a recycling bin.“Covey I’m not going to invite you to my birthday party!” 

She’s laughing so hard now, she’s gasping. “What birthday party?”

He gives her a wounded look.“I’m not having a birthday party?”

She’s still laughing and trying to catch her breath.“God Peter, you’re worse than Kitty with your birthday entitlement!” 

He grins and pulls her back to him.“Kitty’s my girl.Great minds think alike.”

Lara Jean rolls her eyes and laughs.“Hurry up and get your stuff so I can go see Derek.I miss him already.”

* * *

The suite is empty, and Peter kisses Lara Jean all over her face, making her giggle and squirm.

“What?” He grins, his arms locked around her waist.He walks her to the bathroom, not letting go, making her walk backwards as she squeals, “Peter, I’m going to fall!” 

He locks the door and turns on the shower.“Let’s take a shower.”

“What if someone comes home?”

“You can just stay in here with the door locked and I’ll bring your stuff.”

She looks doubtful, and Peter starts to pout.

“Come on!It’s my birthday weekend,” he sulks, pushing out his bottom lip.“Please?”He’s making his eyes at her and she feels like she’s being hypnotized into doing whatever he wants as long as he keeps looking at her like that.Why is it so impossible to say no to him? 

She smiles at him and he grins as he strips off his clothes and starts unbuttoning her blouse.

“ _Just_ a shower.”

“Whatever you say, Covey.” He says, husky, already tugging down her jeans, making her shiver in anticipation.

* * *

“Oh LJ, is that you???” Derek comes running up to her and gives her an exaggerated hug, grinning at Peter who rolls his eyes and sighs.

Lara Jean giggles.“It’s me.”

He puts his arm around her, “Have you seen Peter’s room yet?We all thought he was a crazy stalker when he first set it up.”

“Why?”

“It’s like a shrine to you.”

Lara Jean bursts out laughing. 

“It’s just a couple of pictures and the scrapbook,” Peter grumbles.

“Anyway, I see why you’re shrine-worthy,” he flirts as Peter gives him a death glare.“In fact, let’s take a few pictures this weekend and I’ll set up my own.”

She laughs again and then looks at Peter’s face, so boyishly cute in his irritation and reaches for his hand, lacing her fingers through his and by the time he meets her eyes he’s smiling again.

* * *

While Peter is at his clinic on Saturday, she gets things ready for the party.Derek asked one of their friends to host at their off-campus house, and she needs to get the cake all ready.She made sugar cookies iced and shaped like lacrosse helmets and others that look like his jersey with his number, seventeen. As she’s piping grass onto the top of his cake, she hears the door open and sees three girls come in.

“Hey,” Lara Jean says with a smile.

“Oh hi, where are the guys?” A tall brunette asks.

“They’re at a clinic.I think they’re done in the late afternoon.I’m Lara Jean, by the way.”

A flicker of recognition passes through the brunette’s face and she gives Lara Jean an obvious once over, making Lara Jean flush a little from the blatant rudeness.“Do you want me to give anyone a message for you?”

“Tell Peter Chelsea was looking for him.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your amazing comments!  
> _____________________________
> 
> Chapter title from "Heart Skipped a Beat" by The xx


	6. Got to keep what I have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter hurries home after the clinic, eager to spend some time alone with Lara Jean before the party. He picks up a little bouquet of flowers on the way, knowing his roommates will give him shit for it but he doesn’t care. He’s so psyched that she’s here and so proud to introduce her to everyone. And he’s still in some kind of permanent post-sex blissed out fog ever since that night in Chapel Hill, incredulous that it happened at all and that it keeps happening, Lara Jean so open and trusting and wanting, awed that he is the only one that knows all of her secrets.

Peter hurries home after the clinic, eager to spend some time alone with Lara Jean before the party.He picks up a little bouquet of flowers on the way, knowing his roommates will give him shit for it but he doesn’t care.He’s so psyched that she’s here and so proud to introduce her to everyone.And he’s still in some kind of permanent post-sex blissed out fog ever since that night in Chapel Hill, incredulous that it happened at all and that it keeps happening, Lara Jean so open and trusting and wanting, awed that he is the only one that knows all of her secrets.

When he gets to the suite, he rushes to his room and finds her studying at his desk.

“Hey,” he says.‘These are for you.”He leans down to give her a kiss, sitting on the edge of the desk.

“Thanks.”She smiles at him, but her eyes look unhappy. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Hmmm?Oh nothing, just trying to get through this problem set.”She’s avoiding his eyes now. 

“Covey, come on.What is it?”He rubs her back and feels her stiffen.“Hey, contract remember?” 

She looks at him.“These girls came by while you were gone.One of them, Chelsea, made it clear that she viewed me as her competition.She said she was looking for you -I knew what she was trying to imply.” 

He opens his mouth to talk, but Lara Jean goes on.“I know you love me Peter, but it bothers me that she thinks that and that she wants that, and I bet this is just going to be the first of many.I don’t know… It’s going to be harder for me than I thought to have to deal with it.”

He does not like where the conversation is headed.“Lara Jean, she’s someone Mike knows from high school, and those girls like to hang out here.I have zero interest in anyone who’s not you, you know that.I don’t even like her as a friend.She’s snarky and mean.I’m sure you could tell.”

“Yeah, but I just don’t like feeling this way, and I’m realizing that I have no choice but to adjust to it and it’s going to be difficult for me.”

“I get it.I felt like that when I saw that guy Adam talking to you and giving you that brownie that day.”

“You did?Why didn’t you say something?”

He shrugs.“I just didn’t want to spend any time thinking about it.And I guess I’ve gotten kind of used to it over the years - how oblivious you are to the attention you get.”

She frowns.“I know we have to trust each other, but it bothers me that there’s already someone who doesn’t want us to be together.”

He holds up two fingers. 

“What?”

“Two.Two someones.”

“Oh you mean Adam?He’s a friend.He knows we’re together.”

Peter sighs.“Covey, you have to trust me.He’s into you.He may not be trying to break us up and he’s not mean and aggressive like Chelsea, but he likes you and is attracted to you and wants to spend time with you.It’s okay that you don’t see it.I know you wouldn’t do anything…”He furrows his brow and blows out a breath."I just hate that he’s there and I’m here.”He does hate it.… That someone is thinking about Lara Jean when they see something sweet and delicious, thinking about doing things that will bring a smile to her face.And that someone is able to walk by her room and see her, sit in class with her or hope to run into her on campus.

She stares at her hands which are clasped in her lap, and Peter knows she’s thinking and _overthinking_ about it all, which is worrying him and making him feel unsettled.They’re silent for a beat and then Peter puts his hands on top of hers and says gently, “Hey, I’m sorry that she upset you today.”

“It’s okay.” She says in a half whisper as she gives him a small smile.“Thanks for my flowers.I love them.”

“You’re welcome,” he whispers back, kissing her nose.

He presses his forehead to hers, his warm eyes looking into hers.“I like your dress,” still whispering.“And your hair.And your neck.And your smile.And your face.And everything else.”

* * *

She takes him out to an Italian restaurant for dinner, where he can have his favorite chicken parmesan for dinner.She smiles at him, so happy and proud that she was able to plan this all for him.

“Covey, this is the best birthday.Thanks for planning all this.”

“I got you something.”Dimples are out.

“Oh yeah?” He’s grinning.

“Of course.”She reaches into her purse and pulls out a small box, tied in blue grosgrain ribbon stitched with orange, Virginia colors.She’s leaning forward, so excited for him to open it that he chuckles a little.

It’s a small keychain of the empire state building.His slow smile spreads across his face and he says, “Thanks.”He leans over the table and kisses her cheek softly and then immediately gets out his keys and winds the key ring around it.

“Peter, Margot gave me a bunch of her points.We’re going to New York for two nights and staying in a hotel!We can choose the dates later.Maybe we can go over winter break.”

“Are you serious?You are next level Covey.You really are.”He’s grinning now, so happy that she went through all this effort. It’s more than just a birthday weekend… She knows he needs this, this reassurance, especially after everything that happened this summer. 

“Thank you.”He’s gruff.

She nods a little, looking so pleased with herself, smiling sweetly, her hair cascading over her shoulders, eyes wide and sparkling in the light, and Peterreaches over and tucks her hair behind her ear, grinning back, knowing that he’ll remember this image of her forever.

* * *

The party looks crowded, and Peter is hoping against hope that Chelsea and her friends don’t come. He doesn’t want one more thing to rattle Lara Jean.Thankfully she seems to have let go of her worry from earlier in the day, but he knows she’ll get in her head if Chelsea starts messing with her again.But, as luck would have it, he spots her, wearing next to nothing and holding court with a group of his teammates.He steers Lara Jean quickly away, pulling her over to introduce her to some of the upperclassmen.

And he’s half annoyed and half proud of the admiring looks she’s getting.She’s so pretty, wearing her chambray dress with a smocked bodice and wide belt.She’s wearing wedge sandals that make her a bit taller, and her look as usual, accentuates her sweetness and femininity but also it’s undeniable how gorgeous and sexy she is with her tiny waist and yoga-toned limbs and beautiful curves and perfect face.He watches as she laughs and talks to his friends, and again, he’s struck with how even with her quiet nature she easily draws people in.Boisterous guys that are obnoxious on the field lower their voices when they speak to her, listening intently to what she says, charmed by how demurely she lowers her eyes and eager to make her feel at ease.

He laughs and jokes when people approach him, but stays focused on Lara Jean, wanting her to have a good time before they have to say goodbye tomorrow.He sighs inwardly when he sees Chelsea approach with a sly smile.He puts an arm around Lara Jean and draws her close. 

“Hey Chelsea.I think you met Lara Jean earlier today, right?”He smiles brightly at her.

“Yeah,” she says, giving Lara Jean side eye.

“Hi Chelsea, it’s good to see you again.” Lara Jean, polite as always.

Before Chelsea can respond he adds quickly, “Lara Jean mentioned you were looking for me.What’s up?”He’s still smiling but meeting her eyes with a bit of defiance.

She looks surprised.“Oh, just wanted to say hi.”

“Oh, ok, hi.We’ll see you around.Thanks for coming.”

He takes a few steps and stands in front of Lara Jean, with her back to the wall, his broad tall body blocking her from the view of the other partygoers.He looks at her, concerned.“Are we good?”

She smiles up at him, wrinkling her nose a little, making him want to find a more private place for the two of them so they could do some other things, those other things that he can’t stop thinking about.“Good.”She chuckles, reaching up and messing his curls.

By the time they get ready to cut the cake, the crowd is rowdy.They sing happy birthday loudly, some of his teammates singing so purposely off-key that Lara Jean can’t stop giggling, and Peter is reveling in all the attention.When it’s time to blow out the candles, Lara Jean doubles over in laughter because she bought the trick ones that relight.He hams it up as he keeps trying to blow them out, pretending at first to be a dragon and then acting like he’s dying from the effort.He watches her laugh hysterically, standing among his new friends, in front of all the birthday treats she made, with her hands already poised to pass out slices of cake on blue and orange paper plates and feels such an intense rush of affection for her.

Late that night, it’s just the two of them on his bed exchanging shy smiles again as she feeds him bites of birthday cake clad only in his t-shirt, her hair tousled and wild and her face still prettily flushed from their love.

He’s never been happier.

* * *

**February**

Peter parks quickly and is hurrying to Lara Jean’s dorm.He had an away game and he got in his car as soon as the bus made it back to school but even with all the rushing, it’s already past midnight.

As usual, she’s waiting outside for him although it’s cold and dark.Even before he gets closer, he knows it’s Adam standing next to her, his arm around her shoulders, his head bent down close to hers. _Fuck him._

Peter clenches his fists and takes long quick strides to them, his blood rushing and heart beating forcefully in his chest.He pushes Adam away.“Get the fuck away from her!”

Lara Jean gasps.“Peter!”

“You’re pathetic! You’ve been creeping on her all fucking year.Fuck off.”

Adam shoves him back. “Fuck you! You leave her crying all the fucking time and I can’t see if she’s okay? You’re an asshole.She doesn’t even leave her room anymore unless she’s going to class now.Have you even paid attention to how she looks lately? Look at her!”He gestures to her.She’s frail and small and the winter coat she wore in high school is huge on her.“She deserves better.”Adam’s eyes are blazing and he steps so close to Peter their chests are almost touching.

“Peter, please, let’s go, come on,” Lara Jean pleads, pulling on his arm.

“Go find someone else to stalk, you fucking loser,” Peter spits out as he lets Lara Jean lead him away.

“You think I’m just going to sit around while you treat her like shit?Go fuck yourself.” And then Adam calls out.“So pissed when someone talks to your girl?Then fucking take care of her, you dumb ass.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your comments! 
> 
> ________________________
> 
> Chapter title from "Heart Skipped a Beat" by The xx.


	7. I'll take you in pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scenes from October, November and December

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that the last chapter was so jarring. When writing that chapter I was trying to juxtapose the sweetness of their initial conversation regarding jealousies and the eventual jealous monster that rears its ugly head. I didn't mean to be so hard on your Covinsky hearts.

**October**

“Peter….?” Lara Jean is blushing, playing with a button on her duvet cover.She is home for fall break, and Peter’s in her bedroom, hanging out before they go to a movie.

“What?” He sits down next to her on the bed and brings his head down so he can meet her eyes.

“I was just thinking…” She’s having a hard time getting the words out, and covers her cheeks with her hands.

He raises his eyebrows, waiting for her.

“You know, you can tell me what you want.I mean, if you want something different…”

“What?”

“You know, because you are always doing what I want.…and asking me…when we, uh, base jump.”

Oh.Peter feels himself get hot as he starts to blush.He wasn’t expecting this conversation, especially in her room at home, twenty minutes before they have to leave for a movie.He takes a deep breath and looks at the floor, trying to collect his thoughts.

“You must have things that you already like…because you know…and I’m new at this so I don’t know…”

“Okay, you’re not that new at this anymore,” he says softly.“I’ve been with you more than, uh, anyone else.And I like - no, I _love_ \- everything we’re doing right now.Can’t you tell?” 

She nods a little.“But you know you can tell me, just like you want me to tell you, right?”

“Yeah.” His voice is low.He loves it when she tells him.

“Okay.” She smiles shyly.

“Okay.”He smiles back, and then says, turning red again, “I’ll tell you a little right now… Wear that stuff that you got in Korea.I really….uh….like that.And I can tell you the rest later tonight.I mean, only if you want…We can stop by my room on the way back.Everyone will be at this party. But we don’t have to-”

She blushes more and says, “Alright.”

He’s back to being cocky and chuckles and grabs her close and nuzzles her hair.“Alright? You really are such a player.”

She giggles and buries her head in his chest.“Don’t tease me.That was super hard for me to say.”

He laughs.“I know.It was hard for me, too.God, give me a little warning next time, okay?”

“Okay,” she says, smiling into his chest.

* * *

**November**

“Hi Mom,” Peter answers.He’s surprised to see her call in the middle of the day.

“Hi honey,” she says.“School still going okay?”

“Yeah.”

“I wanted to make sure that you ask Lara Jean to come over one day over Thanksgiving weekend.”

“Uh, you talked to her during fall break, remember?I don’t know if-“

“Peter, I’m making an effort.I like her, and it’s not going to get less awkward unless I see her more often, which is a challenge because you both are away at school.Can you cooperate please?”

“Uh, sure.”

“Okay, there’s my ever obedient son. Now tell me, what’s going on with your Calculus class?”

* * *

Lara Jean rushes back to her room to make their 11:00 FaceTime good night date. They haven’t missed one yet, and she loves seeing Peter every night.She pats her hair down a little and rubs some stain on her lips and straightens her shirt.She wishes she didn’t have these circles under her eyes.She’s going to have to buy some of those eye gel masks. 

He picks up on half a ring.“Hey Covey,” smile is wide and even through the screen she can see the warmth in his eyes.

“Hi,” she says, smiling back.

“How was your day?”

“Busy.I can’t believe finals are around the corner, and I did that thing for North Korean Famine Relief.This is the first time getting back to my room since I left for class this morning.”

“You tired?You look so tired,” he says.Then he adds hastily, “I mean you are always pretty but-”

She laughs.“I am - a little.”She’s been burning the candle at both ends studying, doing her extracurriculars, trying to hang out with friends and keep in touch with everyone, jamming everything in during the week so she can be with Peter most weekends.His practices have been picking up, so she’s been going to see him more, either hitching rides and one time even driving herself, white knuckling it the whole time but being so proud of herself when she got there but not looking forward to doing it again.

She changes the subject.“How are you?”

“Ok.Practice is brutal and Calculus is killing me.”

“Peter, if you’re too busy, you don’t have to come and get me for Thanksgiving.I can-“

 **“** No way,” he says firmly.“That will be the only time we’ll be alone together the whole weekend.I want to.”

She smiles.“Okay.”

“So, can you stop by sometime that weekend and say hi to Mom and Owen?”

She’s silent for a second and then says, “Does she want me to?”

“Of course she does!She asked me to ask you.Come on, she talked to you during fall break, right? You said that conversation went well.”

She can see how eager he is and doesn’t have the heart to refuse even though she’s already cringing inside at the inevitable awkwardness.“Yeah it did.Okay, Peter.Whatever day except Thursday works.”

He grins.“I can’t wait to see you on Wednesday.”

“Me too.”

“And then we have the long weekend and then winter break is less than a month after that.”

She smiles. “Yeah.”Then she yawns.

“Want to get ready and call me back?I’ll stay on until you fall asleep.You need to go to bed.”

“Sounds good.I love you, Peter Kavinsky.”

His voice is all warmth.“Love you, too.See you in a few.”

* * *

**December**

“LJ?Lara Jean?”She’s startled awake. 

“Hey, it’s me,” Adam says softly, crouching down, so he’s at her eye level.“You’ve been sleeping here for over an hour.”

“Huh?”She’s disoriented.She came to the library straight after class to study for finals.“What time is it?”

“It’s almost one.”He smiles.“You need to get to bed.”

“Yeah, I should.”She smiles at him.“Thanks for waking me up.”She hasn’t seen much ofAdam out of class and the odd run-in, and it’s been intentional on her part.She doesn’t want to be overly friendly if what Em and Peter say is true, that he has feelings for her.

“Here, let me walk you back.I’ll just go grab my stuff.”

“No, no!It’s okay, I’m fine.”She hurries and gathers her things.

“Come on, I’m not letting you walk back in the middle of the night.” 

She looks doubtful and he says, more gently, “Lara Jean you know you shouldn’t be walking alone right now, right?”

“Yeah, I know,” she sighs.“I can’t believe I fell asleep.I’ve been really out of it lately.I can’t wait for finals to be over.”

He looks at her, his gaze piercing.“You need to take care of yourself LJ.Here,” he says, taking her bag and easily swinging it over his shoulder.“My stuff’s over there.We’ll grab it on our way out.”

* * *

Peter is picking her up after her last final on Thursday, and after spending one night at UVA so he can make his last practice before break on Friday, they’ll head to New York.He’s feeling good because she didn’t have to outright lie to her dad and Trina. She just said she’d be home on Monday, which they didn’t question. And they’ve been so busy with studying that their calls lately have been short and unsatisfying.He can’t wait to spend some time together, in person, just the two of them.

But when he picks her up on Thursday, she looks, well, terrible. She has dark circles under her eyes, her clothes are baggy, and she has no color in her face.Her shoulders are hunched forward, and she’s pulling her jacket tightly around her like she’s freezing cold even though it happens to be a mild winter day. 

“Covey,” he says, alarmed, pulling her in tight for a hug. “Are you sick?”

“No, I don’t think so.I’m just tired.”

“Is all your stuff packed?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, let’s go grab your bags. Call your dad on the way and tell him you decided to come home today.”

“What? No, I want-”

“You need to get some sleep or rest or I don’t know.Your dad will have a better idea.”

“But Peter-“

“Let’s just see what he says, okay?”He’s practically pleading now, and when he sees she has that stubborn glint in her eye, he quickly changes tactics.“Come on Covey, if you do this, I’ll let you choose my Halloween costumes for life, no questions asked.”

And it works.He sees her lips quirk up into a smile and she giggles.“Even Bob Ross?Because that would have been perfect.”This year she had begged him to go as Bob Ross and she wanted to be something from one of his paintings, but Peter had flatly refused.

He sighs.“Yes, anything.”

She smiles.“Alright.It’s a deal.”

* * *

They’re cuddled on the Covey sofa watching Sleepless in Seattle, Kitty sprawled out on the floor, and even though it’s not what they’ve planned, Peter has to admit it’s pretty nice.Dr. Covey is concerned when he sees her but quickly determines she is overtired, and is now busy clanking away in the kitchen cooking who knows what as a special dinner.Trina also makes a fuss, draping a blanket over her and giving her a kiss on the cheek, and even Kitty offers to braid her hair.

Peter is so relieved and happy to see her at home relaxing, warming her hands on a mug of the Night Night tea she instructed Peter to make, telling him a number of times to go back to add more honey to make it just right.They lean their heads against each other, and Peter thinks back to their high school days, when they could easily take care of each other, when balancing everything wasn’t such an effort, and he misses those days so much that it hurts.

He draws her closer to him and nuzzles her cheek, and they whisper to each other until Kitty shoots them threatening looks. 

And then when the house is dark and still, Peter taps on the window and Lara Jean lets him in, smiling her secret smile, and they whisper some more and nestle into each other and fall into a deep sleep.And before Peter slips out the window at dawn, taking care not to waken her, he scribbles out a quick note and leaves it on her pillow:

Always & Forever

♥️ Peter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and your comments!
> 
> ________________________
> 
> Chapter title is from "Basic Space" by The xx.


	8. Welcome to the floor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> January.

**January**

“Is it good now?” He asks, voice low and gruff, his hands on her hips, helping her balance on his lap after they took some time trying to fit into each other, chuckling, embarrassed, with lowered eyes throughout their mishaps.

But it _is_ good now, so good that she’s feeling like she’s on some kind of wave that’s taking her higher and higher.“Yes….” She gasps, rocking her hips and looking at him.His eyes are wide and open, watching and making sure that she’s good.And she’s waiting for her favorite part, when his lids become too heavy, half closing over his eyes, lashes almost touching his cheeks, his tell that that he’s about to let go and get lost in the moment.And she loves it so much when he does, making her feel a thrill of empowerment that she is the one that does this to him, that she can make him feel this out of control doing something that he’s thought about doing with her, that he’s talked about with her, sweetly red-faced during a whispered conversation in her bed at night.And she keeps the things he says to her and all of his sounds from these moments tucked into a special place, remembering them late at night when they’re apart, when she’s missing him so much. 

And now it’s happening, his eyes almost closed but still watching her, his movements becoming less controlled, and he grunts and then in a desperate impossibly hoarse voice, “Lara Jean….God, I love how you feel,” as he pulls her closer and shudders, his head pressed onto her chest.

She remembers what Margot said, that sex should be with someone who really knows you, someone who loves you, and she can’t believe how small that statement sounds now.She wishes that she had known how much more someone could know you and love you through it, and how much more she is able to as well.She hopes she never forgets how much she and Peter love each other when their bodies are joined and his heart is racing next to hers.

* * *

“Peter, you have to do something about your Calculus grade,” his mom says, her face strained with worry.“You can’t jeopardize your scholarship.”

“Mom, I know.Coach is on it.I’m going to get help.”

“How much time are you spending with Lara Jean anyway?”

His eyes flash at her.“Mom, are you serious? Lara Jean has been killing herself to accommodate my crazy schedule, something I have no choice in because Dad is a loser.Don’t even start with me about her again.On second thought, don’t even mention her name unless it’s something you know I want to hear.” He looks at her, his gaze hard and unyielding.“I think you’re forgetting that this college thing is on my back.You helped me get there, I know.But it’s on me now.I get it.I have to play and make grades to go to college.That’s not lost on me.”

“Peter-”

But he cuts her off.“I don’t think I can stay for dinner tonight after all.See you later.”

He turns away from her and calls up the stairs.“Bye Owen.”

* * *

He hasn’t seen Lara Jean since winter break, not having the time to go down at all because of practices and work outs, and he has to spend the rest of his time trying to keep up with his classes.He doesn’t know how anyone could even consider rushing with their schedule.Probably guys that don’t have to worry about their grades.And guys who don’t have Lara Jean…

On their FaceTime calls her face looks pinched.She looks and sounds exhausted, and he knows that she’s doing too much and not letting him know how bad she feels.

Fuck it. Practice on Friday is scheduled for the early morning.He’ll go to classes after that and make it down to UNC in time for dinner. 

When he makes it to her dorm, he texts her.

Peter: “Hi.I’m outside.”

Covey: …..

And there she is, running towards him, her ponytail bobbing, dimples out, and her arms already outstretched.

“Peter, what are you doing?”

He takes a good look at her.She’s pale, and her cheeks are hollowed out.He bites back his worry and smiles at her.“I had to see my girl.”

“I’ve been missing you so much,” she sniffles against him.“I can’t believe you’re here.”

“Me too.”

“Let’s go get some dinner after I put my stuff down.What do you feel like eating?”

His phone is buzzing.It’s his mom again. He turns it off and shoves it in his pocket.

* * *

They grab dinner at a Korean restaurant close by, Peter feeling better as Lara Jean talks animatedly about her French literature class and eats well, taking time to make her perfect bites with rice and meat and pickled vegetables, laughing at Peter when he drops food with his chopsticks. She seems like herself.

When they leave, Peter hears someone call out “Lara Jean,” and they both turn around.Adam walks up with a few friends. 

“Hey,” he says smiling at her.Peter doesn’t miss his friends exchanging glances.

“Hi Adam,” she says, smiling back.“I don’t think you’ve met Peter, right?”

“Oh so this is the lucky guy that has you baking and crafting and skipping out on study group?” He jokes and then turns to shake Peter’s hand, eyes meeting his.“Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah you too, man,” Peter shakes his hand firmly with a big smile, but his eyes are steely.

“Are you feeling better?” Adam looks at Lara Jean, Peter thinks a little too familiarly.

“Yeah, thanks.” 

“Good.You shouldn’t run yourself so down that you fall asleep by yourself in random places, LJ! ” He’s saying it in a joking tone, but Peter sees the judgment in his eyes when he glances over at him.

“Ok, you have to let me live that one down,” she laughs.

“Let me know if you and Em want to come to our first game.It’s in February at home.I can give you my tickets.” _Asshole._

“Oh.I’ll ask Em, but I’m probably not - ”

“Just let me know.Nice meeting you Peter,” he says, still looking at Lara Jean.“See you LJ!” The boys all chorus as they leave.

* * *

“Are you mad?” She asks, worried.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.But that guy’s a dick.”

“He was being weird.Usually he’s really nice.”

“Yeah, I can tell he’s pretty nice to you,” Peter says, an edge in his tone, instantly regretting it when he sees her wince.

“Sorry.I’ve just had a long week and didn’t need that bullshit.”He puts his arm around her and hugs her close.

“Hey, did you fall asleep somewhere?”

“Yeah, during reading days.I fell asleep studying at the library.”

“Was he studying with you?”

“No, of course not.I was by myself.I didn’t mean to stay there that late, but he was there studying with friends and came and woke me up at like one or something.I was so out of it.”

“Covey, why didn’t you tell me that happened?”

“I didn’t even really think about it.I was kind of disoriented on that day and I just forgot about it until now.He woke me up and then I let him walk me back to the dorm because it was so late.”

That this dick is wanting her and can make himself available to Lara Jean when he is miles away is making Peter crazy. He didn’t care that Peter was around, and made no effort to hide his interest.And although Lara Jean isn’t into him, it’s clear that she’s having a hard time keeping it together and Adam’s watching and waiting.

* * *

Later that evening, Lara Jean convinces him to go to the library with her, and they do their reading together, sitting so close to each other that their shoulders are touching and the sides of the thighs grazing. 

Peter glances at her frequently, her brow furrowed in concentration, her teeth biting her lower lip and her hand moving deftly to make notes in her perfect cursive and he feels calm again.They’re good.

* * *

Lara Jean gets a call Sunday morning not long after Peter left from his house phone.She walks out of the library to take the call, standing on the front steps.She picks up, wondering what’s wrong.

“Hello?” 

“Lara Jean, hi.”

“Oh, hi Mrs. Kavinsky,” she’s already tense. “How are you?”

“I’m calling to apologize again, Lara Jean.”

“Oh, you-”

“I know I upset Peter on Thursday so much when I mentioned you.He hasn’t taken my calls since then.”

Lara Jean takes a breath. _What?_ Her heart is sinking.

“I wasn’t trying to insinuate that you were a negative influence on him.I just was concerned about his time management because I want him to avoid academic probation.You know, his calculus grade really had me worried.”

She can hear her sigh.

“Anyway, I am supportive of your relationship.I didn’t mean to upset him, and I’m sorry if I upset you in any way, Lara Jean.I keep overstepping, but it’s not because I don’t like you.I just get so worried about him sometimes.”

“It’s okay, Mrs. Kavinsky.I understand.”

“Oh good,” she sounds relieved.“Stop by next time you are in town, okay?I got these clips from the 20s that I know you’ll like.I saved one for you.”

“Thanks so much,” Lara Jean says. “I’ll make sure to stop by.Bye.”

Academic probation?She sits down on the steps and bursts into tears, covering her face with her hands, all of her anxiety and exhaustion and now worry for Peter needing a release.She just can’t handle it all.

“LJ?”

“Hey, are you okay?”

A warm strong arm circles her shoulders and she knows she should get up and walk away but she just doesn’t have the energy at this point.She lets him keep his arm there as they sit while she sobs silently, the tears coming down so rapidly that she doesn’t even bother wiping them away after a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are all having a good MLK Day.  
> ___________________________
> 
> Thanks for your feedback and kudos!
> 
> ___________________________
> 
> Chapter titles is from "Heart Skipped a Beat" from The xx.


	9. And I was struggling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of February

**February**

_Covey,_

_I can’t stop thinking about you today.I guess that’s like every day, but today I’m missing your face a lot._

_I can’t wait to see you at the game.I wish I could come get you._

_Don’t bake anything for me.Rest up, ok?_

_Love you,_

_Peter_

_PS I saw this and thought of you._

And inside the envelope is an _Anne of Green Gables_ bookmark with the quote “It is ever so much easier to be good if your clothes are fashionable.” She smiles when she reads it and then when she turns it over she finds that he’s written “Is this why you’re so good Covey?” She chuckles to herself and then is startled out of her reverie by Em’s groan.

“You guys are gross,” she says. “What did he send you this time?”

“It’s just a bookmark.Don’t be a hater.”

“But it probably has some secret cute meaning that only the two of you will understand, right?”

Lara Jean laughs.“Probably, yeah.”

“Anyway, I’m excited to go to my first lacrosse game with you.You’ll have to explain all the rules.”

Luckily Peter’s first game of the season is away at Duke, which is only a half-hour from Chapel Hill. 

“Well, I’m not an expert.I’m just watching Peter the whole time.”

“I seriously have never seen two people into each other like you guys are.I have very conflicted emotions when I see you together.”

“Why?”

“Half of me is like “how cute” and have of me wants to vomit because it’s disgusting.”

Lara Jean bursts into laughter.“Um thanks, I guess?”

* * *

“LJ, wait up!”

Lara Jean stops and waits for Adam to catch up to her. She’s been dreading seeing him after she cried that day.He texted her twice to check in and she responded quickly, saying she was fine and he just caught her at a bad time.

He’s a little out of breath from hurrying to catch up to her, and he looks at with concerned eyes.“Lara Jean, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine!I told you, I was just super tired that day.I’m sorry I was such a mess.”

“Don’t apologize,” he says quickly.“You just look - um well, never mind.Anyway, I just wanted to get a chance to talk to you because I never see you anymore and I think I know why.”

“Yeah, I’ve been staying in studying most of the time so I can have weekends free for Peter.”

He looks at her closely.“That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.You know, I think I made things uncomfortable for you that day.I’m really sorry.”

“Oh, uh, that’s ok.It’s just that, well, I don’t want to be weird, but I’m with Peter, and I uh, don’t want it to seem like I’m, well-”She blushes.

He laughs.“I get it LJ.”

* * *

On game day, Lara Jean gets dressed in skinny jeans and the jersey Peter gave her, cinched and knotted at her waist.She wears her hair in two braids, threading a piece of blue ribbon through each one.She slips on her favorite pair of winter booties.She brings her big coat and white knit hat with the pom pom and packs thermoses of tea.

When Em sees her she smiles and gives her a big hug.“Lara Jean you look adorable!I hope we don’t run into Adam when you’re in that get up.”

Lara Jean rolls her eyes.“Come on.I told you, I talked to him.We’re really just friends.”

“What is with you and hot athletes anyway?I never would think that’s your type.”

“It’s not my type at all.…It’s just Peter, you know?To be honest, in the beginning him being an athlete kind of worked against him.I mean, just for me to go all in with him.But now, I’m so used to it.It’s just so part of him, and I know it’s a huge time commitment and everything.I guess I want to support that part, and hence, this weird rally girl look.My sisters would be horrified.”

Em laughs.“It is kind of hilarious to see someone as bookish as you wearing a jersey.”

Lara Jean giggles.“I know, right?The irony isn’t lost on me.I’m staying true to myself, though.I have a book of Mary Oliver’s poems that I’m planning on reading during halftime.”

Em hoots. “Ok, just remember to introduce me to some of Peter’s friends afterwards.Because hot jocks _are_ my hook-up type.”

“Got it,” Lara Jean laughs.“No problem.”

* * *

UVA wins, but more importantly, Peter played well, so he’s happy and relieved.All of those practices and work outs paid off.He feels strong and confident now, not superstar confident like his Adler days, but he knows he can hold his own in college.

He searches the crowd standing by the rails hanging over and looking down to greet the players, and then he hears her.

“Hey, Kavinsky!” She’s grinning, two braids sticking trailing out of her winter hat, wearing his jersey, looking so pretty and tiny, dwarfed by the people around her.

He looks at her and a huge grin spreads over his face. “Covey!”And he puts his hand to his mouth and blows a kiss at her, not caring when his teammates guffaw and cat call.

He meets them at the restaurant afterwards, and Em quickly inserts herself in between two of his teammates.He can’t go back with Lara Jean, even though he’s longing to, because he has to travel back with the team.So instead of sitting with the rest of the team at the long row of tables in the middle of the restaurant, he steers her to a booth out of the way.

They sit next to each other, touching shoulders, his hand on her thigh.

“Good game,” she says.

“Thanks,” and then he reaches over and pulls on one of her braids.“You look so pretty.”

“Thanks,” she says softly, smiling at him, putting a hand over his.

“Kavinsky, get a room!” Derek bellows.

She giggles.“I feel like we’re in high school again.”

“Yeah, next my mom is going to catch us kissing in the den.” Peter jokes, but Lara Jean freezes at the mention of his mom.She hasn’t mentioned the conversation at all, not wanting to create friction between them, his relationship with her already tense right now.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“I thought you were cool with my mom now?You seemed good after you saw her over Thanksgiving weekend.”

“Yeah, I am, Peter.I’m good with her, really.”

“Okay, good,” he blows out a relieved breath.“She can be kind of intense about stuff, but she’s just had to do everything for us.She likes you Covey.”

“I know,” she says and she tries to reassure him with her smile.“You should do something nice for her once in a while.”He tries to interrupt.“No, not like a chore -I know you are so good about taking care of things for her.I just mean, I don’t know, go to ice cream or something.She probably misses having you at home.”

His presses his lips together.“Maybe.”

“See you are such a sweet boy, Peter.” And she leans closer to him and kisses him softly on the lips.

“Yeah?” He says, keeping his hand on the back of her neck to keep her close when she tries to pull away.

“Yeah, you are,” she says, looking into his eyes.“The sweetest.”

* * *

Peter quickly says goodbye to his friends before heading to his room.Right on the dot at eleven as usual, Lara Jean calls and he picks up immediately.

“Hey Covey,” his eyes crinkling up as soon as he sees her.She’s in her pajamas already, the covers pulled all the way up to her chin.“You look cozy.”

She coughs a little.“I am.”

He frowns.“Are you sick?”

“I think I’m coming down with a cold.”

“Oh shit.I’m sorry.”

“I’ll be okay.Don’t worry.”

She coughs more, this time it sounds rattly and deep.

“Ouch,” he winces.“Here why don’t you go to sleep?I still have more reading to do.I’ll stay on the phone with you.”

“Okay,” she says, her voice already fading.“Good night, I love you.”

“I love you too.Sweet dreams.”

* * *

Lara Jean has the flu, and Em stays with a friend to weather it out, coming by to drop off soup and other essentials every day.Lara Jean stays sequestered in her room, only leaving to go to Student Health.She tries to keep up with her classes, but she’s so exhausted that she sleeps for hours on end.

Peter hates that he’s so far away.On the few calls they’ve had she’s looked so wan, her voice weak and huge circles under her eyes.After a few days she perks up a little and the cough and fever are gone, but her energy level is still low.

“Covey, you know this weekend is Valentine’s Day, right?”

She smiles, “Peter, do you think I’d ever forget Valentine’s Day?” 

He laughs.“Of course not.You know I have that game at Richmond on Saturday, but I can come down afterwards.”

She looks at him, her brow furrowed.“Oh Peter, I don’t want you to do that.You’ll be exhausted.”

“Covey, it’s done… I’m coming.”

“No, I’ll get better by then.I’ll come.”

“Are you kidding?You just got better.I’ll come Saturday night.”

She draws a quick breath.“What about calculus?”

“What?”

“Is that going okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.Why are you even mentioning it?”

She sighs.“Your mom called me…”

“What?When?”

“Weeks ago, right after you surprised me that time after winter break.She had no idea I didn’t know about your calculus grade and apologized to me for I’m not sure what, exactly.It sounded like you got upset with her about me.”

“You should have told me.”

“I didn’t want to create any drama between you guys.It sounded like I already did without even knowing it.And Peter, you should have told me about your class!”

“I had it taken care of.Coach got me a tutor and I’m fine.I didn’t want you to worry.”

“Don’t get mad at your mom.She was trying to be nice to me.”

He sighs.“Anything else I should know?”

“I got upset after the call outside the library and Adam saw and tried to comfort me.I was crying.”

“You were crying because of me?”He’s aghast.

“Well, and just everything.I just felt so stressed out.”

“And you told Adam?”His voice is louder now.

“No, I didn’t say anything to him.I was just crying.I couldn’t stop.He just sat with me.”

Peter is silent for a few beats, his eyes big and worried, and then says quietly.

“Covey, I need to know if you’re upset.I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about calculus.I had it taken care of so I thought it was a non-issue.And I’m sorry my mom called you again.”

“Okay,” she whispers.

“I’m coming on Saturday,” he says firmly.“I’ve got my shit together, okay?Don’t let my mom get in your head.Just concentrate on getting better.There’s nothing to be stressed about with me.I’ve got three things going on - Lara Jean Covey, lacrosse, and classes.That’s it.”He smiles at her.“And you know I’m going to kill it.”

She nods, chuckling.“Yeah, I know.”

“Are we good?”

“Yeah,” she smiles.

“Love you Covey.”

“Love you more.”

* * *

She’s making her way down to the lobby when she her phone buzzes.Her stomach drops.It’s Peter’s house phone again.

“Hello?”

“Hi Lara Jean,” Mrs. Kavinsky says in a rush.“I’ve been trying to reach Peter.I know he had a game, but I haven’t been able to get in touch with him.”

“Did something happen?”

“He failed two of his midterms.”

* * *

Peter: Parked.Stay inside.I’ll let you know when I’m outside the lobby.

Lara Jean is shaking now and she feels sick to her stomach.He failed two of his midterms and he’s still making the three and a half hour drive to spend one night with her. She blinks furiously, trying to stop the tears from flowing, but they break through. 

“LJ, what happened?Are you okay?” It's Adam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your comments and kudos! I love hearing your thoughts.
> 
> _______________________
> 
> Chapter title from "Heart Skipped a Beat" from The xx


	10. Please don't say we're done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath, the angst.

“Why is that asshole always around?"

“That was a coincidence.I hardly ever see him.He saw that I was upset and came over-”

“That’s convenient,” his voice is harsh.

“Peter,I try so hard to show you how much I love you and how committed I am to this relationship.You can’t really think that I have feelings for Adam.” She’s speaking gently to him, holding both of his hands, looking up into his face.She’s not going to let anyone else be a part of this conversation, the conversation that’s squeezing up her heart and making her throat feel tight and parched, but she knows it has to happen now, before she loses her nerve.

She looks at the eyes she loves so much, flecked with gold, holding her gaze. She loves how he never turns away from her.

“Peter?Don’t I show you?How much I love you?”She asks, her voice strangled and unrecognizable. The tears are already streaming down.

“Of course you do!I’m sorry.That’s not what I meant.It just drives me crazy that I’m not here with you.”

She nods, swallowing hard, her throat closing up.

“Whoah, I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean it that way. Please don’t be upset,” he wraps his arms around her, and she takes her time remembering his smell and the feel of his strong arms enveloping her small frame, the warmth that is so Peter and makes her feel so safe and loved.

She pulls back a little to look in his eyes.“You know, we’ve done really well with the contract, haven’t we?We haven’t missed a call or letter even once. And your letters are the best. I love them so much.”

He nods, looking at her.

“And,” she goes on, “even though you didn’t always tell me everything, you still always told me the truth.”She wants him to know he did nothing wrong.None of this is his fault.“And you know,” her voice breaks a little, “even though we’ve been doing this long distance thing, I don’t think I remember being happier or feeling closer to you.That’s because of you, Peter.I’ve had the best time even when we’re apart just thinking about you.”

“What are you doing?” He's looking at her with alarm.

“I know about midterms Peter.We can’t do this anymore.I’m screwing things up.”She chokes back a sob.

“What are you talking about?”His eyes are enormous and red.

She’s sobbing now.“I’ve been trying so hard.I love you so much.I just can’t anymore.I don’t know how much harder I can try.I keep messing things up for you.I just can’t. And I'm not leaving you, you have to know that. I just love you too much. I just can't.”Her hands are shaking, and she’s holding onto Peter’s shoulders. 

“No!Please.…Please don’t do this.My GPA only needs to-”

“Peter, please don’t ask me.You know I can’t say no to you.” She’s crying hard now, hiccuping and and her face is covered in tears.“Peter please?Please? You know how much I love you, right? I won’t be able to stand it…Please don’t ask me. Please?”She’s desperate, falling apart.

“Okay, okay, ssshhhhhhh…..” His eyes are shining with tears now.“I’ll do whatever you want…Ssshhhh… You’re not doing anything wrong.You’re perfect. I know you love me. Sssshhhhh… I love you, too. I know, okay? Sssshhh… ”He’s stroking her back, hushing her and then he starts kissing her, his damp face pressing against hers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting. 
> 
> __________________________
> 
> Chapter title from "Heart Skips a Beat" by The xx.


	11. I'm not finished

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sophomore Year

**Sophomore Year**

Peter pulls up to the front of the Covey house, but before he can get out of the car, he hears the passenger door open.

He grins.“Hey girl!”

Kitty’s standing on the sidewalk, leaning into the car, her two braids swinging.“Peter can I drive?Come on, I got my permit!Daddy always lets me!”

“Uh, I don’t know,” he looks doubtful.“I don’t even know if your dad-”

She whips out her phone and types something and then says, triumphantly, “See?He says it’s fine as long as you’re okay with it.”She shows him the phone.“Soooo…..?”

He sighs, getting out of the car and grumbles, “Don’t tell Owen about this.”

He marvels at what a good driver Kitty is.She’s smooth and not flustered, and when it’s time to find parking, she deftly maneuvers the Jeep into a space that he thought was too tight on the first try.

“Annnndddd, that’s how it’s done folks.” She smiles, tossing his keys to him.

He laughs.“I’m impressed.”

“Good, so you’ll let me drive every time we go out now?”

He grins.She’s always angling. “We’ll see.”

The find a table at Corner Cafe.Kitty wanted to get a milkshake and cheeseburger there before they head out to a movie.

“Peter look up,” she says, and when he does, she snaps a quick picture of him and then busies herself tapping on her phone again.“Lara Jean says hi.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, I just sent her your picture telling her who I was eating lunch with.She says hi,” Kitty says, happy with herself.

Peter sighs.Kitty was so disappointed when they broke up - she didn’t speak to Lara Jean for weeks afterwards, and then early in the summer she called him on the verge of tears, asking if he was still going to stop by sometimes, Lara Jean was spending the summer in Scotland with Margot before doing her study abroad in France.

He’s been taking her out once or twice a month, sometimes bringing Owen along, and every time she games him for something.But he loves spending time with her, her epic swagger always making him laugh and he knows she’s lonely in the house with just Dr. Covey and Trina, both of her sisters so far away and having adventures without her.And he needs her, too, because otherwise he wouldn’t have a conduit to Lara Jean, Instagram not being enough.They both knew that they couldn’t keep on talking as much as they did before, that it was too hard and made them too sad, but talking through someone occasionally, a cute snarky teenaged someone that they both loved, proved to be okay, and it’s better than nothing.

Kitty’s cackling now.“Lara Jean wants me to show this picture to you for your Halloween costume.”

He takes a look at the phone and grins.The Hunchback of Notre Dame.And then his stomach twists, not as violently as it used to every time he thought of something special between them, but still, it’s there and he tries to concentrate on his menu, again struck by how much has changed between them and missing what they had so much.Missing Lara Jean so much.

* * *

Of all places, she never thought she’d be sitting across Chris, clad in black pants and a black moto jacket who is making a stop to see her while she backpacks through Europe, in a cafe in Paris, close to the Montmartre.It’s not a dive - it’s a nice place, more than a little touristy but the ambience is still interesting, big black and white portraits, the floor a polished parquet, and the bar long and gleaming. Lara Jean loves how everything looks curated here, even the little corner stores have interesting displays and things stacked just so.

She’s glad Margot convinced her to try studying abroad.At first the idea of it terrified her and then she quickly realized that it would so much better than staying put. Chapel Hill was too full of Peter for her - her room, the library, restaurants, and even some of the walkways all held memories of Peter so vivid that it took her breath away, making her feel lonely and sad and feeling so sorry for herself, that she couldn’t be with the boy she loved so much. 

“God, I love how hot these French guys are,” Chris says.“You know, they look a little mean, like they could be assholes.”

“And that’s good?” Lara Jean raises her eyebrows.

“Yeah, it could be hot.LJ, someone’s looking at you now.”

“Stop it.No one is.”

“There’s a guy over there who looks like he’s ready for an LJ sandwich….. Wait, are you still in PK mourning?”Chris asks, her huge eyes searching Lara Jean’s face.

“Kind of, yeah.”Lara Jean says softly and tries to will herself from tearing up.

“Did you even try to distract yourself by getting some with that soccer guy?”

“Adam?Of course not!We don’t even really talk anymore.”

“What is with you and these guys that want to take care of you all the time?Is it because you just expect it?Because you’re so used to your dad treating you that way?”

“Huh?”

“God, it would drive me crazy, but…sometimes it must be nice.” She sounds a little wistful.

“It can be really nice,” Lara Jean says, a lone tear making its way down her cheek.

* * *

Peter stops by home after practice. The last of the leaves have fallen and the gutters have to be cleaned.He opens the garage and pulls the ladder down from the rafters.

“Peter, is that you?” His mom opens the door into the house, a hopeful smile on her face.

“Yeah, I’m going to clean the gutters.”He’s curt, not looking at her.

“Okay,thank you.”

Peter’s eyes are steely, his mouth fixed in a straight line.He looks past her and calls out, “Hey Owen, can you give me a hand?” 

* * *

She’s scanning the shelves in the baking aisle for the turbinado sugar she needs for the new French Christmas cookie recipe she’s trying.And of course, it’s on the top shelf.She sighs and tries to step on the lowest shelf to gain some height and reaches up as high as she can when a large hand comes from behind and grabs it, and she gets a whiff of something clean and familiar and outdoorsy.She freezes.It’s Peter.

She closes her eyes, remembering the last time she saw him:

_They are nestled into each other, Peter holding her tight against him, whispering as usual, but this time the whispers are interrupted with tears and tender kisses, non-sequiturs tumbling out of their mouths, trying to tell each other everything before he has to leave._

_“I’m sorry for pushing you about your dad.”_

_“You’re so smart, smarter than you think.”_

_“You’ve always been my first choice.”_

_“Your mom loves you.”_

“ _You can do anything.”_

_“I got that locket for you the day I saw you looking at it.”_

_“Remember that time we went out with your grandma?Everyone was looking at you - you looked so pretty.”_

_“I’m sorry about my mom.”_

_“You make everything good, everything better.”_

_“Everyone sees how special you are.”_

_“I need you as much as you need me.”_

_“No one has ever loved me like you.”_

_“Promise me you won’t forget that I’m not leaving you.”_

_And right before he leaves, kissing her one last time, tears clinging to his lashes,_

_“I’ll always love you.”_

She opens her eyes, blinks a few times and then takes a deep breath to steady herself and turns around.

There’s Peter, still the handsomest of all the handsome boys, looking even taller and broader and more handsome than she remembered.His curls messy and overgrown, his beautiful eyes warm and golden, and his full lips curving into a smile on his sweet open face.And as usual, he leans in, bending down a little so he can meet her eyeline.

“Hey Covey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Inauguration Day for you who live in the States!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
> _______________________
> 
> I love your comments and kudos. Thanks so much for your feedback.
> 
> _______________________
> 
> Chapter title is from "Heart Skips a Beat" by The xx.


	12. You've found someone better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sophomore year continued.

**Sophomore Year continued**

Peter is rushing.He’s late for a party, and he’s supposed to bring ice, so he hurries into the grocery store, making a beeline for the ice freezers.But as he takes quick strides, he sees a familiar shape in his peripheral vision and stops suddenly, causing an elderly man to let out an exasperated huff as he has to maneuver his cart around him.“Sorry,” he mutters, his eyes still focused on the baking aisle.

And it is Lara Jean, her shoulder-length hair shorter but still shiny as it catches the overhead lights, wearing clunky black boots and leggings and a dark gray jacket with a lot of zippers and sweater sleeves, looking so stylish.She has a scarf wound around her neck, and she looks so beautiful and tiny and so the same, even from the distance, that Peter has a brief moment when he forgets and he has to fight the impulse to jog over and put his arms around her and put his face in her hair and wait for her to turn around and look at him through her lashes.

He doesn’t even try to fight the gravitational pull, though, the one that makes him forget why he is in the grocery store in the first place and why maybe he shouldn’t stop to talk to her, but instead he embraces it without a second thought, walking quickly over to her.He stands behind her and as he reaches for the sugar, he notices her body still and her shoulders rise a little as she inhales.She knows it’s him. 

And when she finally turns around, he has to remind himself to breathe, her eyes wide and searching and bright, her pretty bow lip curved in a tentative smile and she’s looking up at him like she always did, like she knows all of his secrets.

“Hey Covey.”

“Hey.” She’s quiet.

“Christmas Cookie Bonanza?”

“Yeah,” she nods.

“Are you good?”He’s gruff now.

She nods, her eyes have a teary sheen.“You?”Barely above a whisper.

“Yeah.”

She nods again.“Good.”

She’s looking up at him, studying his face, looking so closely into his eyes that he blushes but he inches a little closer, and now they’re both leaning towards each other, not breaking eye contact.She swallows and then draws a quick breath and says softly, “You look the same, but…” her voice hitches a little, “still a little different.”

“You too,” his throat thick, his voice unfamiliar. “I-”

“Lara Jean, mon ange?What do you call le ail in English?I cannot find-”

They both look up at the tall blonde man approaching, a friendly smile on his face.

“Oh, I am sorry, I did not know you were with a friend,” he says, looking from Lara Jean to Peter, his French accent making his simple words seem more sophisticated.

“Laurent, this is Peter,” Lara Jean says, not talking her eyes off of Peter’s.

“Hello,” Laurent says, putting out his hand, the open smile still on his face. 

“Hi,” Peter says, shaking his hand, feeling sucker punched.Of course, she’s found someone.Someone found her.

“Mon ange, do you know the word for it?I have been looking for it for the soup.”

“It is called garlic,” Lara Jean says, still staring at Peter.

“Oh yes!I remember now.I will go look now.Peter, very nice to meet you,” he says, smiling again before walking away, oblivious to anything untoward.

They stare at each other in silence for a few moments before Lara Jean says, “Peter, you know….” her voice breaking and her chin trembling.She can’t continue.

He nods and says softly, “I know.”She looks so dejected standing there, her hands in her jacket pockets, her shoulders hunched forward, and her eyes sad. He tries to smile at her.

“I’m going to go,” she says, and then suddenly she hugs him tightly, wrapping her arms around him and holding him close and putting her face against his chest.He immediately responds, pulling her into him and strokes her hair with one hand, caressing the curve of her head.She steps back after a bit and wipes her eyes and then turns to leave.

And he watches as she walks down the aisle but then remembers and jogs up to her.“Here,” he says, handing her the sugar, taking one last look at her, his stomach twisting a little when he notices the bare spot on the hollow of her neck.“Thanks,” she says with a wan smile, her voice unsteady.

“Merry Christmas, Peter.”

“Merry Christmas, Covey.”

* * *

As he walks back to his car, Peter feels his gut clench.Not that he didn’t think she’d find someone, but seeing her with not another guy, but a _man_ , someone who looks capable and smart and just so fucking French, so impossibly different from him and yet someone he could see her wanting and seeing as her equal, makes him feel sick with unease.And he tries to push these other thoughts out of his mind, that this guy is the person that Lara Jean is _with_ , that now he’s not the only person to know her shy, secretive smiles, her sighs and telling breaths, the arch of her body when she’s ready, and everything else about that shared intimacy, makes him want to burst out of his skin.

He lets himself in the car, momentarily surprised when he sees Kylie sitting in the passenger seat, her expressive blue eyes looking worried and her brow furrowed.

“What took so long?Where’s the ice?”

“Oh, they were all out,” he lies.He completely forgot about it.

“What were you doing in there then?”Her eyebrows are raised, eyes searching.He looks out the windshield and starts the car.

“Uh, I had to ask a few stock guys to see if they had any in the back.”

“Should we stop somewhere else?To get the ice?”She asks, but Peter doesn’t respond, still lost in his thoughts.“Peter?”

This conversation is exhausting.What’s the point?

“I - uh- I feel like I might be coming down with something.Do you want me to drop you at the party or somewhere else?I think I need to stay home.”

“Peter, I’ve been getting the sense you’re not interested in this, in me.If you’re not, just say so.”Her tone is clipped, her eyes narrowed.She’s used to getting plenty of interest.

Who even gives a shit anymore? 

“I’m not.”

* * *

Margot and Lara Jean are flying home together for the summer.Margot stopped in Paris to visit a little and help Lara Jean pack up, and now they are finally on the plane, baggage checked, one whole suitcase stuffed to the brim with gifts for Kitty, and a carry on full of snacks and face masks for their flight.Neither of them have been back since Christmas and they are excited to be at home for a little while at least before they start their summer internships in DC, Margot working for a newly elected congresswoman and Lara Jean at the Smithsonian, helping coordinate a write about art program for disadvantaged youth.

Margot looks over at Lara Jean and smiles.“I am so proud of you Lara Jean.”

“You are?Why?”Lara Jean is surprised and she pulls out her earbuds to listen, turning to face Margot.

“Because you did something that was so hard and stayed open to new experiences.You spent a year away from home.Can you imagine doing that just a couple of years ago?You got out of your comfort zone and did it all on your own.You lived on your own in another country!Mommy would have loved that you did this.”

Lara Jean smiles and looks out the window.The plane is now above the clouds, the sky a huge endless expanse of light blue.She reflects on what Margot said, thinking to herself that it is really Peter that made this possible for her.He opened her up to see and be seen and deal with all of the risks that come with it, persisting even when she tried to stay closed, seeing things in her before she saw them herself.And she knows that in spite of everything, all of the heartache and sadness, all those days and nights that she felt she couldn’t get out of bed, curled up in fetal position, shaking with sobs, desperately missing Peter’s warmth against her and longing to hear his voice and laughter, that she is a lucky girl, the luckiest girl, to have had Peter teach her, show her, how to love and trust herself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Your comments are amazing.
> 
> PS. Everyone hating Adam is hilarious to me. 😆
> 
> _______________________
> 
> Chapter title from "Heart Skips a Beat" by The xx.


	13. Sometimes I still need you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer.

**Summer**

“Guess who’s coming home for the summer?”Kitty is loudly slurping the rest of her milkshake at Corner Cafe.

Peter smiles. “Kitty, it’s not like I don’t know that Lara Jean’s going to be home.We keep in touch.”And they do.Stilted, perfunctory texts full of emojis, usually pertaining to some kind of occasion, like “Happy Birthday!” or a short silly exchange about something a dumb politician did.

“Oooohhh, okay, so I guess you don’t need to know what I found out about her and Laurent?” She smirks.

Now Peter knows he has to play his cards right.If he acts too desperate, Kitty will milk this for everything she can, but if he acts too disinterested, he risks having her relay that to Lara Jean, and he’s not going to deny to anyone, even himself, that the last thing he wants Lara Jean to think is that he is indifferent.What exactly he wants her to think he hasn’t figured out yet.

He raises his eyebrows.“Oh did something happen?” He asks in what he hopes is a nonchalant tone.

She cackles.“Oh, why yes it did,” mimicking his tone.This girl.She’s got his number.“They broke up, Peter.”

“They did?”

“Uh huh.Do you want to know why?” She looks at him, mischievous eyes glinting behind her glasses. 

He hesitates and then gives a little nod.

“Hmmm….. I’m a little hungry.I think I need a snack before I can go on with this conversation.”

He sighs inwardly and slides a menu over to her. 

* * *

Lara Jean is overwhelmed by the huge mess in her room.There are boxes from Chapel Hill that haven’t been opened for over a year, and now that she’s started unpacking from France there is hardly a place to take a step and she has to start packing yet again to move into the sublet in DC.She sighs and collapses onto her bed. 

“Lara Jean?” Margot pokes her head in.

“Yeah?” 

“Here’s a bag for the donation pick up in case you want to get rid of anything,” She says, handing her a black garbage bag, her eyes roving around the room.

“Thanks,” she grumbles.Damn Margot and her executive functioning.

She starts looking through a stack of books on the floor, her senior yearbook catching her eye.And she feels that familiar bittersweet nostalgia that washes over her whenever she thinks of high school, freshman year, or looks out her bedroom window or countless other unpredictable times when she has to catch her breath as she remembers a moment with Peter.And when it hits her, she has the same conflicting reaction every time, she smiles but also a hard lump forms in her throat.And no matter how hard she tries to stop them, eventually a few tears leak out.Is this what happens when someone is so enmeshed in your life?You can’t escape the memories, no matter how hard you try to?And does she really want to forget all these moments - so many of them, a lot happy, some gut wrenching and painful?No, she decides, she doesn’t.And she places the yearbook carefully next to the hatbox and her pink linen folder in her closet.

* * *

“Mom?Owen?” Peter calls out as he opens the front door.His mom left him a text, telling him to come home for dinner tonight, that it was important.

“We’re in the kitchen,” she says.

“Hey,” he says, sitting down and grabbing a roll.

“Peter, Owen,” his mom says with a big smile.“I have some good news and I had to tell you right away.Your dad’s lawyer got in touch with mine today, and an agreement has been reached.You’re finally going to get what you’re entitled to -well, a portion of what you’re entitled to.But it’s better than I thought you were going to get.”

Owen and Peter look at each other, silent.

“Owen, most of your college will be paid for, depending on where you go.If you decide to go somewhere more expensive or out of state, you can take out a loan.And Peter,” she turns to him, “you can use your money to help with graduate school, or if you don’t go to graduate school, you can access it when you’re older for something else.The money’s there, boys, it’s not a hypothetical.It’s in a trust for you.It’s not a lot, but it’s better than nothing and it’s going to make your lives easier.”

Her smile spreads across her face as she looks at them and then she’s back to being all business.“Okay, let’s eat.Peter, you spilled crumbs all over the table.Eat over your placemat. Owen, don’t forget to put your napkin in your lap.Boys, come on, manners.This isn’t a zoo.” 

When it’s time for him to leave, his mom pulls him aside.“Peter, he’s trying to do the right thing now.You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but you should know that.”

“Okay," he says, taking a breath. "Hey Mom? Thanks,” he says, pulling her in for a hug and kissing her on the cheek.

* * *

“What _is_ this?” Kitty grumbles.

“Your dad tried a new Korean recipe for you guys,” Trina said, raising her eyebrows and smiling, a glass of white wine in her hand. 

“Girls, there’s plenty, so leave room for seconds!” Dr. Covinsky calls from the kitchen.

“I think I’m going to start telling him this is offensive and cultural appropriation so he just stops,” Kitty says, a wicked smile on her face.

“Kitty, don’t,” Margot chides her.“You know how hard he tries.”

“I’m starving, though,” she complains.“And Peter had to skip out on our pizza date because he got hurt in a scrimmage.”

“What?” Lara Jean asks, her stomach dropping.

“You don’t know?He’s in the hospital.He got a concussion and something happened to his arm.He’s okay, though.”

“Kitty! _A concussion?_ Why didn’t you tell me?” Lara Jean stands up.

“I thought you knew.”

Lara Jean shoots her a look as she leaves her seat and walks towards the stairs.“Kitty, you should have told me.Text me Owen’s number right now.”

* * *

“Here you go,” the nurse says, leading her to his room and smiling brightly at her.“He’s full of charm, that one.I can see why so many pretty girls are visiting him.” 

Lara Jean forces a smile.“Thanks.”

She takes a deep breath and enters the room, anxious and shaky, and then she sees Peter, laughing loudly at something on his phone and looking so healthy and boyish with his floppy hair and goofy grin, his big shoulders in a hospital gown, the bed looking comically small for all of his limbs, and she has to smile even as relieved tears prick her eyes.

She knocks on the open door as she steps in the room.

“Covey?” He looks confused.

“Hey,” she says, still smiling.He’s good.He’s better than good.

“Hey,” he says, smiling back at her, blinking slowly like he’s in disbelief.“What are you doing here?”

“I heard you got hurt.”She can’t stop smiling.

He grins at her.“Oh.Well it happens, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” She chuckles as she moves closer.“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” He’s still grinning, his eyes crinkled and so warm, looking almost green under the fluorescent lights.

“Good.”She runs her finger on his bandaged wrist.“Ouch.”

He shrugs, still looking at her, now blushing a little, his grin turning into a softer smile, a shy smile.

“Do you need anything?”

“Uh do you want to sit with me?Or do you have to go?” He looks so young and hopeful and guileless as he waits for her to respond.

She pulls up a chair and says softly.“I can sit.”

“Yeah?”

She nods, her smile tender and sweet.“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love hearing from you. Thank you readers!
> 
> _____________________________
> 
> Chapter title from "Heart Skips a Beat" by The xx.


	14. Back to where I've been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer continued.

**Summer continued**

“So…”He smiles at her.She could be in high school, sitting there with her shy smile and her eyes lowered.And for some reason, well, for many reasons, including what Kitty told him about her and Laurent, he has a sudden urge to just be carefree and just say fuck it, and do what he wants to do.Be with Lara Jean.

“So?” She smiles back, her voice so soft.

“What’s up?”

She chuckles. “Oh, not too much.”

“Oh.” He’s smiling at her again, willing her to look over at him. 

The nurse’s aide interrupts them, bringing in a covered tray for Peter, arranging it on the table that swings around above his lap. 

“Thanks Beth,” Peter says, smiling. 

Lara Jean shakes her head a little, smiling to herself.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“No, tell me.”

“You are such a flirt.”

“Saying thank you is flirting?That’s just manners, Covey.And good manners get you extra jello and sometimes popsicles in this place.” he grins at her, and then winces as he tries to bring his hand up to take his spoon to eat his soup.

“Do you need help?Here, I’ll do it,” she says quickly, looking concerned as she takes the spoon from the tray.

She blows on the soup before bringing it to his waiting open mouth.She gives him a small smile and then averts her eyes again, blushing a little. 

“Can I have some more?” He asks quietly, not taking his eyes off her, remembering the last time she fed him, late at night, well-loved and shy, with secretive smiles and pretty blushes.And he remembers viscerally the awe he felt every time that he would be the person she chose to know her that way and be that open with, feeling a huge thrill that she wanted him that much.

She nods, bringing another spoonful to his mouth, carefully avoiding his eyes.He knows she’s remembering it, too.

“More.” Husky, eyes fixed on her.

She continues to feed him, silent, not daring to meet his gaze.

“Have you eaten?”His voice low.

“Hmmmm?I’m fine.”Her voice is breathy and small.

“Here,” he takes a grape with his good hand and brings it to her lips, making her blush even more as she opens her mouth.

And then she finally raises her almond eyes to his, and he’s surprised to see that instead of fear, there’s heat and an unexpected resolve.

* * *

It doesn’t take long for them to settle back into what they know, talking and laughing softly, sharing glances and smiles, and as the evening progresses, they come to a type of unspoken agreement that they are going to enjoy the comfort of being together in the present and not broach the subject of the bigger, more complicated ever present issue on their minds.They are happy in the safe space they’ve created and grateful for it, knowing that it’s not going to last for long.

She yawns and stretches her arms after a while, and he looks at her, already trying to deal with the disappointment of her leaving. 

“You tired?”

“Yeah, I’m still jet lagged.”

“Do you want to lie down?”

She raises her eyebrows at him, and waits a couple of beats, thinking about it, before answering.

“Yeah.”

He moves over as much as he can, and she lies next to him, their heads sharing the same uncomfortable pillow, Lara Jean carefully avoiding his bad wrist, both of them staring at the ceiling.And then they continue talking, now at a whisper, not wanting to alert anyone that she’s there past visiting hours.Their words are rushing out in a flood,both of them trying to remember everything that they’ve been wanting to tell each other during their months apart, waiting to see the reaction from the other before quickly moving on to the next subject, knowing that their time is limited.

“Kitty’s dating someone.”

“Derek fell asleep naked outside his dorm.”

“You have to go to Europe.”

“You’re right, the McGregor Room is amazing.”

“Owen won a robotics competition.”

“My dad and Trina are starting a ballroom dancing class.”

“My dad is giving us some money.”

“What?” Lara Jean pauses to give him her full attention, turning on her side to face him.

“My dad set up some money for Owen and me.Owen’s going to use his to help with college, and I can use mine to help with graduate school or whatever.”

She smiles, so wide and open and dimpled, and her eyes fill with tears.“That’s amazing, Peter.”

He shrugs, “It took him long enough.”But she sees through his nonchalance and reaches over and hugs his neck tightly.

“Yeah, but he still did it.”

“Yeah,” he nods, using his good arm to hold her close.“Yeah, he did.”

He can feel her smile against him.

“See, he loves you Peter.It’s impossible for anyone not to love you.You have to know that,” she says. 

* * *

“Peter, you are going-”

Both of them are startled awake by the sound of Peter’s mom’s voice.

“Oh, hi Lara Jean,” Mrs. Kavinsky says in a gentler tone, smiling at her.

“Um hi, oh I must have fallen asleep after uh I came to visit,” she’s flustered, Peter’s arm is still holding her to him.

“That’s so nice that you came.I’ll give you two some time to wake up.Peter, you are being discharged today.Call me when you’re ready for me to come back here and help you get your things together,” she says.And then she looks at Lara Jean.“Lara Jean, it’s so good to see you.I hope I’ll be seeing more of you at the house.We’ve missed you.”

“God that was embarrassing,” Lara Jean groans after she leaves.

“Why?” He’s grinning.

“Because I’m in bed with you!”

“So?”

She narrows her eyes.“Shut up!You know how it looks.I look like I’m some desperate hussy or something.”

He bursts out laughing.“Come on, Covey.No one looks at you and thinks you are a desperate anything.And who even uses the word hussy anyway?”

“I’m going to go,” she says, swinging her legs over the side of the bed.

He watches her get up solemnly, his eyes big and sad.

“Uh Lara Jean?Can I… Can I uh see you later?Tonight?”

She turns to him and says quietly, “Okay.”

“Okay?” A slow smile spreads across his face.“Okay.”

* * *

And as she expected, he comes over late at night when the house is dark and still.But this time, because of his injury she has to let him in at the front door and smuggle him upstairs, both of them laughing and shushing each other along the way.When they get to her bedroom, they fall into each other, giving long open-mouthed, searching kisses, doing what feels right in the moment and not giving any thought to tomorrow.It gets more heated and urgent, both still chuckling occasionally at the awkwardness of the situation because of his wrist. Peter remembers everything, her lips and her body and her sounds and her movements. Tonight he needs so much more, and he takes his time with her, watching and savoring her and prolonging his release as much as he can.When she can’t take anymore and starts to ask and then demand, he gives into her, knowing that he can’t deny her.

Afterwards the sameness is overwhelming to both of them.The familiar quiet, special, intimate time between them, the shared sweet smiles and bashful, awed glances, with their skin damp with sweat, hair wild and messy, and Peter pulls her into him as tight as he can with his one arm, whispering all the things that he’s been feeling and wanting to say into her ear.

“I love you.”

“I think about you every day.”

“I feel like a part of me is missing.”

“I’m always waiting for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much, readers! I love your comments and kudos. 
> 
> _______________________
> 
> Chapter title from “Islands” by The xx


	15. And kiss, and kiss, and kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junior year.

**Junior Year**

“I think getting hurt at the scrimmage is the best thing that happened to me all summer,” he says, smiling and looking at Lara Jean, who’s lounging on a beach chair looking sleek and impossibly glamorous in her halter bikini and cat-eye sunglasses.

She giggles.“You were just complaining about how you’re going to have to train extra hard now that your wrist is all healed up.”Then she gets more somber and says softly, “It was the best thing that happened to me, too.”

They got to spend most of the summer together, Peter unable to participate in the lacrosse camp for college hopefuls he was supposed assist with because of his injury.Instead, he scrambled to find something in DC and worked with Derek at his mom’s law firm, which paid very little, but it was better than nothing.He found a cheap sublet near Lara Jean and Margot’s, supplemented with his Dad’s money, and the summer turned out to much better than he had anticipated, full of Lara Jean in summer dresses, meeting for dinner almost every evening and spending nights pressed up against each other, the window unit air conditioner buzzing loudly over the sounds of their murmurs and sighs, and his favorite - quiet, happy, shy midnight snacks with Lara Jean, tiny in one of his shirts, her lips swollen and cheeks flushed.And weekends were full of day trips like today, going to the lake and spending lazy afternoons taking dips in the water or having quiet conversations on the shore, giving each other admiring glances, using every opportunity to touch each other, holding hands, brushing fingers through hair or reaching out to gently rub backs, shoulders, and thighs.

But now Lara Jean is leaving for Chapel Hill in a few days, and the low lying anxiety that both of them have been feeling all summer is surfacing, making them extra tender with each other, preemptively cautious because of the sadness that lays ahead and making them more quiet, both consumed by their thoughts.

Peter says suddenly, “I’ll bring you down to Chapel Hill and move you into your new apartment.”And then he adds as an afterthought, “If you want…”

“Okay,” she says, nodding slowly, her lips slowly curving up into a small smile.She knows what he’s doing and she’s a willing and happy participant - pushing back the inevitable, trying to stretch out the delicious, happy, sexy haze of the summer.

“Good,” he says as his smile spreads across his face as he leans over and kisses her neck.

* * *

“Lara Jean, what time do we need to leave for school on Wednesday?”Trina asks as she sips her coffee.

“Oh, uh, you don’t have to take me anymore.Peter’s going to help me move in,” she says, concentrating on her avocado toast and choosing to ignore the looks that Trina and her dad exchange.

“Why do you even pretend he’s not your boyfriend?” Kitty asks, grimacing at the avocado toast on Lara Jean’s plate while spooning sugar into her bowl of cereal.

“I’m not pretending, Kitty!I don’t know why you always have to try to label our relationship,” she scolds. “I would think you’d be more enlightened than that.More…..post feminist.”

Kitty rolls her eyes and scoffs,“It just seems stupid.You both are so pathetic around each other.Why don’t you just go elope or something and breed?You know you want to.”

“Kitty!” Dr. Covey interrupts.“No one in our family is breeding anytime soon.”

Kitty turns to him with a scowl, “Okay, Dr. Man, don’t tell us what to do with our bodies.”

* * *

It’s hot and humid on move-in day and it takes Peter hours to move in her things and set up the furniture while Lara Jean busies herself with the unpacking.He’s done by early evening and after taking a quick shower, he collapses on her bed as she organizes her closet, dozing off to the soft music of her playlist.

He awakens to a darkened room and the feel of Lara Jean’s soft full lips on him, her supple body moving over his, her warm breath against his skin.And he moves his hands over her perfect, smooth skin, telling her through his touch and sounds that he wants more. He knows this will be the last time for who knows how long, and he doesn’t want to temper his reactions or his movements and he needs her to let go, too.He wants one more night where they can be free and just get lost in how good and right it feels.

He’s dazed as she rolls on a condom onto him and positions herself over him,his eyes locked on her as she takes control and establishes a rhythm, gasping and moving, his hands on her waist, his hips meeting hers. He watches as she gets lost in it, throwing her head back and murmuring his name, her hair sticking to her damp skin.And then he lets go completely, squeezing her body against his while he thrusts, groaning as he loses control, _“God, you’re so fucking good.I can’t get enough of you.I love you,”_ not caring when he hears the desperation in his voice.

The melancholy sets in afterwards when they curl up into each other.Peter can hear the thickness in his voice and hers and they spend most of their time in silence, unable to make promises and too upset to talk about anything else.Instead, they stay pressed familiarly against each other, taking comfort in their closeness, both of their eyes open and sad, wondering what tomorrow will bring for them.

* * *

Lara Jean watches as Peter leaves the next day, his eyes red and lingering on her as he gets into his car, her heart so heavy and sad.She’s blinded by tears as she makes her way back into her apartment and when she lays on the bed, she’s reminded of all the nights she’s spent crying over Peter, starting years ago in high school.She has cried a river over Peter Kavinsky, over wanting him, missing him, loving him, and being hurt by him.And she knew this all before spending the summer being loved by him and loving him again and yet she consciously chose this.She chose to be with him again, with her eyes wide open, despite of all of the unavoidable sadness and pain, because of the incomparable upside - Peter.

And as she squeezes her pillow to her, she hears the rustle of paper and smiles through her tears.

With all my ♥️, Peter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you readers! Your feedback keeps me motivated.
> 
> ____________________________
> 
> Chapter title from "Hot Like Fire" by The xx.


	16. I still let you in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junior Year continued.

**Junior Year continued**

Peter listens to the voicemail again and lets out a breath.He hasn’t had any contact with his dad since he skipped out on graduation, but he knows generally how things are going through Owen, who still sees him a couple of times a month.And now, unexpectedly hearing his voice is jarring, making Peter feel antsy and unsettled, like he can’t stay still.He quickly taps a text on his phone and presses send.

Peter:Can you talk?

He’s relieved when he gets an immediate response:

Covey: FT me in ten.

And there she is, her eyes worried, her hair framing her face, her pretty lips pressed together, making him forget this bullshit.He has to smile. 

“Hey,” he says softly.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s my dad.”

“What happened?”She’s anxious.

“He left a voicemail.He wants to take me to dinner.He sounded kind of, uh, different.”

“Different how?”

“Like he was almost begging or something.Like he really wanted me to.”

“Do you want to?”She’s leaning towards the screen, looking at him closely. 

“Kind of.”

“Will it be just the two of you?”

“That’s what he said, but, uh, I was wondering…”

She’s still peering at him, reading his face.

“Are you going to home next week for Thanksgiving?Because if you are…. can you come?”He then adds hastily.“If you have time.”

She nods slowly.“Yeah.” 

“I know it’s weird.You don’t have to.”

“Peter, stop.I’ll come.”

He exhales.“Okay, thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”After a pause, she asks quietly, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he says.And he is now.

* * *

Lara Jean is able to leave school early for Thanksgiving weekend.She doesn’t have class again until the following week, so Trina picks her up Monday afternoon.She’s looking forward to a full week at home with the family.She’s already planning on baking pumpkin whoopee pies and apple cider coffee cake, the brisk autumn weather making her long to wear cozy warm oversized sweaters and make treats that taste like fall.

But when she gets home and settles in her room, she doesn’t feel like baking anymore. She looks out her window at the magnolia tree that he always climbs up and all she can think about is Peter.Home isn’t even home anymore without him - they are synonymous to her now - home and Peter.She has to think back far to remember that magnolia tree without thinking about Peter.Is there any memory of it without Peter?Did she even notice the tree before he climbed up it, tapping on her window that first time, surprising her because he wanted to see her that much, that he couldn’t wait until the morning?

She goes to the bathroom and runs a brush through her hair and rubs some gloss on her lips, and puts her coat on again.She slips on her boots by the door and calls out, “I’m taking the car.I’ll be home in a few hours.”

As she approaches his building, she hears someone calling her name.“LJ?”

She turns around.It’s Derek, a huge grin on his face.“Hey girl!It’s good to see you.”He gives her a big hug, lifting her a little off her feet and she laughs.

“Do you know if Peter’s home?” she asks.

“He should be home soon.Come inside and wait.”He says, nodding to the door.

“No, it’s nice out.I’ll sit out and wait for him.”

“Okay.Come in and hang out before you leave,” he grins, so easy and friendly.She can see why so many girls like him.

“Sounds good.See you in a bit,” she smiles as he walks off. 

She settles on a bench and pulls a book out of her bag, thinking that she can get a few minutes of reading in while she waits, but then Peter catches her eye.He’s walking next to a girl, his arm slung casually around her shoulders.And for the first time in so long, Lara Jean feels that sinking second guessing feeling in her stomach, thinking that this is a mistake, that she’s been mistaken about so much, that she’s assumed too much, her adolescent insecurity bubbling up and making her want to run away before he gets a chance to see her.

“Covey?” 

Too late.

“Hey,” she says her eyes lowered, her voice almost inaudible.But then out of the corner of her eye she sees how he drops his arm off the girl’s shoulders abruptly and takes a big noticeable step away from her side and closer to Lara Jean, and she takes a deep breath and steadies herself, drawing up her chin and looking at him square in the eye, her confidence coming back in spades.

He’s looking at her, worried and intense and a little fearful.He’s not dropping his gaze, and the situation all of sudden strikes her as funny, and a huge dimpled smile stretches over her face.And when he sees this, his eyes crinkle and he grins, goofy and wide, showing all of his perfect teeth, his eyes turning so warm.

She chuckles, “I just wanted to say hi.”

“Oh. Hi.”He’s still grinning and staring at her.

“It looks like you’re busy, though.”She says, looking at the girl, who looks, well, really pissed.

“Huh?”He looks confused, and then his eyes comically widen in recognition.“Oh!Oh yeah. Uh, Lara Jean, this is Haley.Haley, I forgot that I have…I have to go…”

Lara Jean says, her smile so wide it’s hurting her cheeks, “No no, I have to go anyway.Haley, it’s so nice meeting you.Bye Peter.”She turns to walk back to her car, chuckling softly to herself when she hears Peter calling out to her, out of breath, running to catch up to her.

“Covey, wait up!”

She snickers.“What’s the rush?You seem a little…um, out of sorts.”She raises her eyebrows and gives him a pointed look.

“Don’t mess with me.”His eyes are searching hers.“Are we okay?”

“Peter, seriously it’s fine,” she’s laughing now.“I don’t care."

“What?Why is it fine?”He pouts, hurt.“You should care!”

She smiles at him and says gently, “Because I know you want me.You love me.”

He’s quiet and his eyes go soft and so warm as he looks at her. 

“Yeah.Yeah, I do.”

* * *

When Lara Jean hears the tap at the window she’s ready and waiting for him.She smiles, sliding the window up quickly and beckoning him in.But this time he doesn’t pull her onto the bed immediately and start kissing her, moving his warm hands all over her body.Instead he sits her down on the bed and sits next to her, holding one of her hands in both of his, his gaze warm but unrelenting.

“Covey, I think it’s time we start making plans,” he says, gruff and serious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your comments! I love hearing from you.
> 
> __________________________________
> 
> Chapter title is from "Basic Space" from The xx.


	17. What's right here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of Peter's dialogue in the beginning of the chapter is lifted from PS I Love You and Always & Forever, Lara Jean.

**The plans**

And as he holds her hand in his, he’s resolute, his eyes not wavering, making sure he says everything before he takes a pause and lets her talk.

“I’m so tired of this bullshit.”

“I want to be with you.” 

“Covey, you know I’d follow you anywhere.”

“Where do you want to be?”

“I know I want to be there, too.”

“Let’s go all in.No more contract.” 

“Do you remember that, Covey?”

“We’re you and me, remember?”

“I’ll never feel for another girl what I feel for you.”

“All of it is still true”

“Everything is the same for me.No, it’s more.”

“I’ll love you with all my heart, always.”

“Covey, do you remember?”

And she does remember, nodding and smiling with eyes shining and bright.“I remember, Peter, I remember.It’s still true for me, too.”“I don’t want to hold back or be careful anymore,” he says, unsmiling with earnest, pleading eyes, looking at her closely.“I want it all, Lara Jean.”

She kisses him and simply says, “Okay.”He laughs, breathless and delighted, drawing her closer.“Okay?”“Yeah, okay, Peter.”

Then he’s hot and urgent and insistent, and he is moving all over her, tugging and pulling off her clothes, his mouth and tongue and hands moving in familiar patterns over her bare skin and lips, his breath warming her body and making her whimper and gasp as he moves lower. 

“Oh and Covey?”His voice is so low and heated it’s making her crazy, making her want to push into him and grab him and press him to her body. He looks up at her, his large hands gently pushing out her thighs, his touch so hot against her, his gaze fierce and sexy.She looks at him, her lids heavy, already breathless.“There’s still one thing that I haven’t done with anyone else.” 

Oh.

* * *

“Do you have your game schedule yet?”His mom asks him as she takes the roast out of the oven.

“Yeah, I’ll email it to you,” he says, grabbing a roll before she can swat his hand away.

“Okay, don’t forget. Your Uncle Eddie wants to come to a game or two, and I promised to get him the schedule.”

“Cool.” He’s making a mental note to make sure not to overlap games with Uncle Eddie and his dad - Uncle Eddie might choke him.

He grabs another roll, smirking as his mom glares at him and then says, “Mom, remember how I said I might take a year and work and take the LSAT after I graduate?”

“Yes, I do,” she says, raising her eyebrows at him.“Don’t tell me you’re planning to do this in Cancun or something.”

He laughs.“No, I’m going to do it wherever Lara Jean ends up.Probably not Cancun.Most likely New York.She’s applying to a few programs there.”

“Peter - ”

“That’s our plan, Mom,” he says firmly, patting her on the shoulder and kissing her on the cheek. 

“Are you sure?”He understands what she’s asking.

“Yeah, Mom, I’ve always been sure.”

“Okay, Peter,” she says quietly, smiling at him and patting his hand.

“What are we having for dessert?Do we have any ice cream?”

* * *

“Lara Jean, remember what Mommy said.You shouldn’t start school with a boyfriend,” Margot is peering through the screen on Skype after Lara Jean tells her that she’s going to apply to MFA programs in Creative Writing.

“God, Margot, it’s not just a “boyfriend”!” Kitty exclaims, using air quotes around the word “boyfriend.”It’s Peter!You know, the boy she’s been thirsting after since she was an infant.” 

Lara Jean rolls her eyes.“Don’t exaggerate, Kitty.”

“What’s wrong with Peter?I like Peter,” Dr. Covey interrupts.

“Nothing’s wrong with Peter.I like Peter, too.I just don’t think Lara Jean should be making decisions based on a boy,” Margot answers. 

“Oh my god, Margot!Did you hear what Lara Jean said?He’s moving _with_ _her_.Not the other way around.Have you met him?He’s obsessed with her.It’s gross.He’s like her bitch.”

“Kitty!” Dr. Covey says, shaking his head and sighing as Trina laughs from the kitchen.

“Margot, don’t worry.We have a plan.” Lara Jean smiles, dimples out, open and sure, into the screen. 

* * *

Peter’s first game of the season happens to be at home and on a long weekend so Lara Jean begs Kitty to come get her so she can surprise him, making arrangements with Mrs. Kavinsky so they can sit with her and Owen.

Peter is playing well, and she can see the determination in the way he moves across the field.He’s broad and so agile on the field, self-possessed and serious.He’s nothing like the Peter she knows and loves - the one whose big grins and gorgeous eyes and loud laughs make hercarefree and open, or the one she knows at night, the one who is gentle and tender and awed by her, so soft spoken and eager to please, the one who makes her heart thrum and feel things that she thought were the stuff of make believe in her old tattered romance novels of her youth.And it’s doing things to her, the fact that he’s so different externally, that she’s the one that gets to see the private, low-voiced, hungry Peter, that she’s the one that makes him that way. She’s been missing him anyway - but seeing him on the field is making her feel predatory and wild, already anticipating their time together.She tries to settle down, darting a quick glance at Mrs. Kavinsky. 

They win by a squeaker, and Lara Jean thinks she can see his smile and the proud raise of his shoulders from her seat.His back looks extra straight as he leaves the field with his teammates. 

“Lara Jean, Peter knows that I have to run a quick errand, so I’ll say bye here and we’ll see you for dinner tonight, okay?”She smiles at Kitty.“Kitty, you’re welcome to come, too."

“Okay, bye,” Lara Jean says, smiling.“We’ll see you soon.”

She leaves Kitty and Owen, both of them engrossed with watching something on Kitty’s phone and makes her way down, positioning herself right outside of the locker room exit, leaning against the wall as she waits.

She sees him walking out, so tall, his curls still wet, and she imagines she can smell him, and she has to steady herself -she’s pretty much gone already.She’s been gone since the game - no since longer than that, so much longer that that - since the first time he smiled at her, wanting to know all of her thoughts, all of her secrets, not letting her keep them guarded inside.He’s talking to a teammate and is about to pass her when she calls with a huge dimpled smile, “Good game, Kavinsky!”And he slowly turns to her, the familiar grin spreading, warm eyes crinkling, and he forgets everyone and everything else and jogs up to her.

“Hey Covey.” He leans in, pressing his arms onto the wall behind her, bending his head to meet her eye.

“Hey,” she says, her smile shy and secretive, closing her eyes briefly to inhale him, soap and outside and everything Peter.

“I missed you,” he says, his voice already husky in her ear, his lips ghosting the side of her face, making her shiver, one of his hands warm and pressing against her waist.

“Me too,” she says, almost a whisper.God, he’s doing things to her.She drops her eyes, shy, thinking about him and their late-night secrets, thinking about the little meringue cookies she made, hidden in a container under her bed, ready for her to feed him a midnight snack.What are they going to whisper to each other this time?What has he been thinking about - what thing about her, with her, has he been wanting and waiting for?And is he going to tell her with his beautiful eyes so warm and loving, his whispers laced with heat and awe, his hands always touching some part of her?She wants to know…..

He looks at her, a knowing look, his eyes a little darker and more bedroomy, his voice raspy and hot, “Derek’s going out with the guys.”

“Oh.”

“Oh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love hearing your thoughts! Thanks so much for your comments and kudos.
> 
> _________________________________
> 
> Chapter title is from "Islands" by The xx
> 
> _________________________________
> 
> Changed Uncle Joe to Uncle Eddie to reflect TATBILB. Sorry for the mistake!


	18. You got me melting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Midnight snacks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lines and references to Always & Forever, Lara Jean in "Meringues" and "Cherries" sections.

**Midnight Snacks**

_Meringues_

It’s dark outside, the only light coming into the room is from the distant street lamp on the sidewalk. Peter is propped up against her headboard, long legs splayed out over the rumpled duvet, Lara Jean pulled into the middle of the triangle his legs make, leaning against his bare chest.He smells the coconut from her hair mixed with with something sweet, something so Lara Jean - everything delicious and good, everything he wants and craves.

She tilts her head a little and looks up at him, her eyes still not open all the way, lids still heavy, and she brings a meringue cookie to his lips.He takes a bite and chews slowly, watching her watch him.And he’s feeling it - feeling sweet Lara Jean feeding him cookies that she baked thinking about this time, his favorite time, when she feeds him some delicious snack after they are spent from doing things to each other that they’ve thought about and wanted, muffling their sounds on each other’s mouths and skin, Peter always watching her carefully, making sure he doesn’t go too far without her, that she’s good. When he knows she’s good, it makes it unbelievable for him, that he could make sweet beautiful Lara Jean make those sounds and those movements, so open and trusting and fierce, letting him and wanting him to become one with her. And usually, when they have this special quiet time, Peter longs to think about and talk about tomorrow but he has to stop himself, but today he realizes that he can, and it’s making him feel full and sated, so grateful that they are finally able to talk about what’s going to happen next.So he asks her what he’s thought about time and time again ever since they watched that sunrise on top of the hotel building.

“Covey, do you ever think about living in New York?”He’s whispering, his eyes soft and looking at her.

“Yeah, I do.”She whispers back with a little curved smile pulling at the corner of her lips.

“I think you’re right…”

“About what?”

“It should be a brownstone.”

“Yeah, you can live in a boring skyscraper anywhere.A brownstone in the West Village is just so, so poetic.”

He chuckles and strokes her arm.So dreamy-eyed and romantic.

“So let’s do it.”

“What?”

“Let’s make that our plan.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” He’s sits up a little, smiling so wide.

“Yeah.I want to apply to NYU and Columbia.”

“I can take the LSAT anywhere.”

“What about afterwards, when you go to school?”

“You’ll be done with your program by then.I have to be able to get into one law school in New York.”

“What if I don’t get into a school in New York?”

“We’ll move wherever you get in.”

“Oh.Okay.”A slow smile lights up her face.Her eyes are wide and happy now.

“But the plan is, we end up in New York, I mean, if you want.Do you still want that, Covey?”

“I really really do.I want to be there together.I want to be there with you.”

“Me, too.Okay, then that’s the plan.”He’s grinning.He’s flying.

And the smile widens, her heartbreaking dimples making him feel even more reckless, more ready to go with her, go anywhere with her, over the moon that she’s so ready to jump with him now.She’s happy and unafraid and her eyes are wide open.He’s not pulling her along anymore, saying _let’s carry on_ , _let’s carry on_ , and he’s not waiting for her to meet him.She wants him, sees the same thing he does - she trusts him, she trusts them and she’s letting go of all the other noise and walking the same path he is, next to him.And it’s making him feel like he can do anything.

* * *

_Cherries_

“Peter, can you believe it?”She’s talking softly as they look at the night sky, both of them sitting on a blanket, their knees pulled up to their chests, waiting again to see the Perseids.

“What?”

“This is our last year in college.”

“Yeah, it is.”He nods.

She turns to look at him and smiles.“By this time next year we’ll be living together.”

He chuckles and pokes her.“Covey, you’ll have to work on your Pig Pen ways.I can’t live like that.”

She pouts, and he laughs, pulling her to him.Then he reaches over into the basket she packed and brings a cherry to her pretty lips.He watches as she chews, and brings his hand out to take the pit, loving how she blushes when he takes it from her mouth. And then she smiles, her small, shy smile that makes feel things, secret Lara Jean things, every time.What is she thinking?What thought has her looking at him that way, underneath her lashes, dark eyes knowing and probing?What is she dreaming about now?He wants to know…

“Peter….”

“I hope we can have one of those cabinets under our kitchen sink that has the fabric that you pull around it in our first apartment.It’s like a little curtain for your cabinet, instead of a door.I’ve always wanted one of those.”

Oh.

Seriously? That’s what she was thinking?

He laughs, shaking his head a little and kisses the side of her face.“I think we can manage that,” he says with a soft smile.

“Really?” 

“Yeah, even if there are doors we can just unscrew them and put in a little rail for the curtain.”

“Oh my god, Peter.I can’t wait!”She throws her arms around his neck and hugs him close. 

Sweet Lara Jean.....She's _his_ girl.Beautiful sweet dreamy Lara Jean who gave him his first kiss, his first fake date, his first true friend, his first crazy aching love.

He notices how the moon and the camping lantern are illuminating the impossibly smooth planes of her face and he gazes at her, transported back to the last time they were stargazing.He remembers that night, as they were spreading out the blanket, that he wondered whether they should have gone to the mountains instead.And Lara Jean said, her quiet voice clear and certain, _“stargazing is a waiting game, no matter where you are.”_

And he feels light, buoyant - the waiting is over.

He laces his fingers through hers, draws her onto him, and watches her watch the sky, her face open and lit up and happy and so hopeful and he’s content.

* * *

_Ice Cream Sundae_

“Peter, this was the best birthday ever,” she murmurs, bringing a perfect spoonful of ice cream, chocolate sauce, and whipped cream to his mouth.She’s wearing a plush white robe, sitting in the middle of a king-sized bed made up with crisp hotel white linens, and the lights and sounds from the city are creating a faint buzz of noise.

He swallows the spoonful, keeping his eyes on her.“I know my girl,” with a cocky smile, and then takes the spoon from her and brings a bite to her lips.She smiles as she chews.“It’s good, right?”His voice low as he studies her lips.She nods, her sweetly curved closed-mouth smile is already doing things to him, her hair is doing things to him, crazy and messed, her skin is doing things, too, so pink and damp and sweet smelling.And all of a sudden he feels primal and vast, he feels fucking herculean— he’s the only one that gets to see her like this, he's the only one who knows her secrets, he’s the one she chooses every day.

“Can you believe we’ll be living here soon?” She asks softly.

“I can’t wait, Covey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for your feedback and encouraging words! Love your comments and kudos.
> 
> _______________________
> 
> Chapter title from "Hot Like Fire" by The xx.


	19. So now I don't ever have to leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A scene from New York

**New York**

Peter’s Uncle Eddie* is getting married on Saturday, and Lara Jean has been driving him crazy with all of her wedding plans.She created elaborate mood boards, is on the phone with his mom constantly about items she wants to borrow from the store for the event, and has made him try on at least six tuxes for his duties as best man.Why Uncle Eddie let her get involved with this is beyond him.

She’s been so busy with school and he’s been working at the public defender’s office and studying for the LSAT, and she has spent every freaking spare minute on Pinterest and not paying any attention to Peter at all except to show him pictures of flowers and cake and lighting and exclaim over how beautiful Eddie and Drew are.

When he gets home from work, he sighs.She’s sitting on the floor, hair pulled into a messy bun, with her laptop out and scraps of fabric and linens littering the table and floor.

“Are you still pouting?”She pushes out her lips to tease him.

He doesn’t answer and blows out an irritated breath instead and sulks in the armchair stuffed in the corner of their tiny living room.

“Peter, Eddie and Drew are going to make the most elegant couple.He just texted me a picture of their tuxes.Look,” she shows him her phone, smiling.“Did I tell you I found the perfect cake topper for them?”

“Great,” he mumbles, rubbing his hand over his forehead.He steals a glance at her to see if she’s concerned at all about his mood, disappointed to see her blissfully thumbing through wedding magazines.

* * *

On the morning of the wedding, Lara Jean is up before it’s light outside, scurrying around, packing bags and rustling papers.Peter groans, covering his head with a pillow “Covey, you’re killing me!”

“Oh, sorry!” She comes over and kisses his cheek, and all of a sudden he’s hopeful and starts to feel it, her sweet breath and soft skin are reeling him in.He tries to grab her and pull her on top of him but she squirms away.“I can’t - I have so many things to do before we get to the groom’s suite.”

He groans again.It’s been _days_ , and next week is her time of the month and he’s just over this wedding.OVER. IT.

He forces himself to get out of bed and put on his running clothes.“I’m going for a run,” he calls out, pouting when he hears her response, an unconcerned “Hmmmm?Okay.”

* * *

The ceremony is beautiful.Lara Jean tears up as they speak their vows in trembling low voices full of emotion and as she watches shaky hands with gleaming rings.And she looks at Peter so tall and handsome in his formal wear, looking so dapper and effortless.He looks like he could be some kind of dreamy romantic hero in a movie, someone who is inherently kind and good hearted but also intense and strong and passionate. 

She’s thinking now, daydreaming now, fingering the locket on her neck, thinking about some story to write, about some handsome boy-man who falls in love with a girl, a girl who thinks she’s invisible, and he wants to know all of her secrets. It’s so easy to spin her stories when she thinks of Peter, with his beautiful eyes and sexy demands and loving ways.He’s the stuff of dreams and wishes and hopes.And she looks up and sees him gazing at her and she feels a familiar sense of awe.He still wants to know…

The reception is busy.They have to make their rounds and Peter gives a hilarious and poignant toast, charming everyone, making everyone smile and laugh.But when they finally have a chance to sit down he’s quiet, still sulking, a little crease between his brows, refusing to really meet her eyes for an extended period of time, but still stealing glances at her under his lashes.This is Peter, wanting all of her, not settling for less, completely uninhibited in expressing his needs and wants.

But tonight he’ll just have to sulk a little while longer.Lara Jean smiles as Drew and Eddie playfully feed each other cake.She laughs to herself as she thinks about the crazy Paleo diets both of them have been adhering to. That cake must taste so good to them right now.She whispers to Peter that she’s going to straighten the cake table - the linens are mussed.They need a perfect cake picture. He purposely looks away from her and gives her a little nod.

She’s still by the cake table when they start their first dance.They look so elegant, so debonaire - two handsome men dancing with sweet smiles to some beautiful song about love. Her heart is swelling.She can’t stop the tears in her eyes.Her smile is so wide it’s hurting her cheeks and her hands are clasped to her chest.And she feels so much promise for them that her heart could burst.

And now she has a moment to think about her Peter.She knows he’s looking at her.She can feel that gaze - she knows those eyes follow her, they’re waiting for her to meet them.She turns and sees him.His hands are shoved in his pockets, a small frown still on his handsome face, his gaze a little reproachful and sullen. This boy.She smiles at him, and she sees a reluctant, small smile tug at the corners of his full lips, getting bigger as she walks over to him. 

“Want to dance?”

“Yeah,” he says, quickly, pulling her so close.He’s not going for the grown-up dance of weddings, where he holds one of her hands up and keeps one at her waist. No, today he wants more.He circles his arms around her waist and guides her arms around his neck, and then presses her entire body to him.Their thighs are touching, their chests are touching, their stomaches are touching -even their breaths are so close to each other that they move the hairs on their necks.And she looks up at him and he looks down at her and they raise eyebrows as they sway and share their heated secret smiles.

*I changed the name of Peter’s uncle to Eddie in Chapter 17 to reflect TATBILB.I mistakenly thought his name was Joe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are approaching the end! Thank you so much readers, truly. I love hearing from you.
> 
> ______________________________
> 
> Chapter title from "Islands" by The xx.


	20. I'm yours now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of the next chapter of their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last line of this chapter is from "Always & Forever, Lara Jean."

Peter is realizing that he is not a wedding person.He is a great guest - he loves the food, is one of the first people out on the dance floor, and loves seeing his girl in some pretty dress with her sweet smiles, but actually being _in_ a wedding, being the main person in a wedding, is not his thing.There are a ton of decisions to make, navigating intense opinions of his mother and Covey girls, and of course, the stress of Uncle Eddie possibly choking his dad.And he has sympathy pangs for Lara Jean, who is trying her best to accommodate everyone while staying devoted to her romantic vision. God, what he wouldn’t do to just sneak away with her in the middle of the night and get married somewhere under the stars, just the two of them. 

Thank goodness that they’ve made it to this part…. And he knows he’s got this.What is a vow anyway?It’s just another form of a contract, a plan, a promise between them.And how often have they’ve done this?From the first time they sat at that picnic table at school years and years ago.They knew without question that they would write their own, that they had their own things they wanted say to each other.They’ve done this before… The only thing new about this is that they are doing it in a room full of people they love and who love them.It’s all good.

But it’s not as easy as he thought.First, there is Lara Jean Song Covey, looking as beautiful and pure and gorgeous as he’s ever seen her in her white dress, with her curved full-lipped smile and shiny eyes, holding onto her father’s arm.Second, everywhere he looks he sees teary happy eyes - his mom, Dr. Covey or Dan now, and even Kitty, who is scrunching up her face trying to look cool but he can see those tears.The lump is forming, large and thick in his throat.Will he even be able to talk?And now, the third and most poignant and heart squeezing, is his Lara Jean, saying in her sweet quiet voice, her eyes looking up at his,

“Peter Grant Kavinsky, you love me like I’ve always dreamed of, like a fairytale but better because it’s real and true,” she starts.“You’ve taught me how to love and be loved.”And then her voice gets lower, softer, with a special smile.“I vow to always make you midnight snacks,” her voice breaks with emotion even amongst the chuckles from their guests, and she gives him a knowing look.They don’t get it, but he does. _Shit._ He feels the lump getting bigger and his eyes starting to burn.He’s going to go down, too.Her voice is even more trembly now.“I vow to be your partner in everything,happy and sad and easy and hard.”He swallows.And what she says next is almost a whisper, meant for his ears only.“I vow to love you with all my heart, always.”

She brings her shaky hand up to his and smiles as she slides on the thick band of white gold.

Now it’s his turn… He doesn’t know if he can talk.He clears his throat and swallows hard. He’s written more, memorized more, but in this moment, looking at her eyes, with her ring on his finger, the words are behind that lump in his throat, and he’s struggling.He’s so overcome with the moment he feels like he’s underwater, everything slow and labored and thick. He says, in the raspiest, hoarsest voice he’s ever heard, “Lara Jean Song Covey, when I’m with you my world is happy and bright and full of sweetness.”It gets even harder to get the words out.“It’s soft and special when I’m with you,” he says, nodding at her, his eyes so red.Then the rest comes tumbling out.He’s talking fast while he can still choke out the words.“I vow to support you in the life you want to live.I vow to always wipe your sad tears away and smile when you have happy ones.I vow to keep you close and safe and treat you with love and respect.”He’s giving her a smile now, still looking in those beautiful eyes.He’s almost made it. And of course, the vow they never spoke about but both knew they’d end with, “I vow to love you with all my heart, always.”

* * *

It’s dark and so quiet.Every so often the radiator makes an alarming clanking sound but Peter and Lara Jean are getting used to it.It’s their fourth night in this shoebox of an apartment that they love so much.Less than 700 square feet, and the down payment and closing costs have eaten up every bit of Lara Jean’s small book advance and the last bit of Peter’s dad’s money.The mortgage is big and the apartment is tiny, but they are so happy.It’s their first place. And they are finally moved in, finally unpacked.Peter even took the doors off the cabinet under the kitchen sink today and installed the rail and the little piece of floral fabric that Lara Jean has been fixated on ever since they closed.

So it’s their time now, and they are loving this quiet, heated time, when they can hear the sighs and moans and other more private, thrilling, secret sounds that they share in this intimate space.

He’s moving over her now, covering her body with his heat.He gives her a broad lick between her breasts and moves his hands over her, circling his hips a little as he moves up and gives her hot wet kisses over her neck and collarbone.She gasps and pulls him closer moving her hands down his back. 

“Are you good?” he asks hoarse and raw as he slides inside, his eyes half closed and watching her.

She sighs, and nods, her breath hitching.She’s not talking right now, she’s lost in it, pushing him in, digging her nails into him.He lets out a breath and moves faster, less gentle.He’s reading her.

“Holy shit, you feel so good right now,” he moans.He grunts as he moves deeper.“God, Lara Jean.” And then they’re kissing and it’s both tender and wild.As they come they breathe shaky breaths into each other’s mouths, both of them knowing that they’ve jumped off a cliff together tonight.

* * *

“Here,” Peter says softly, bringing a saltine to her mouth.“It will make you feel better.”

“Ugh, no.I can’t stand the thought of any food, even that,” she scrunches up her face and curls up on the bed on her side.She’s been sick for weeks now.

“Aw, I’m so sorry, Covey.”Peter lays down behind her and curves his long lean body around hers, pulling her into him, nestling her against his comforting warmth, and she leans into it.He places his hand on her curved belly, rubbing it gently, and then the soothing warmth takes over and they are in a familiar space, whispering their secret thoughts, not caring to filter their words in this safe space.

“I hope she has your eyes.”

“I hope she has your voice.”

“I hope she looks like my mom, at least a little.”

“I’m really missing my mom right now.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

She closes her eyes quickly and takes a deep yoga breath as yet another wave of nausea travels through her entire body.Peter stills his hand and watches her ride it out.When the coast seems clear, he whispers, “I think this little nugget is going to be a Kitty. You are too sweet to put your mother through something like this.And Margot is too virtuous.”

She chuckles.“I would actually love a Kitty,” she whispers, smiling at the thought of the mischievous smile and laughing eyes.

“Me too.” 

And her heart soars thinking about it.A girl of her own that she can mother and Peter can father.A lucky girl to have such a gentle, handsome father who knows how to love better than anybody, who knows how to make dreams come true.

“You know,” her voice catches, “in some ways this is like a do-over for me.”

“Yeah, me too,” he whispers, kissing her shoulder, making her feel so loved and understood.

Lara Jean thinks she couldn’t spin a sweeter love story than this one.Even her dream-filled mind couldn’t imagine a story like this and her romantic heart couldn’t hope for more.For all the romantic heroes of her stories, who is more romantic than Peter?Her first love who noticed her, wanted her, needed her so much?Who sees her so clearly and loves her so intensely?And now this is the next chapter of their love story, and she’s already imagining the conversations she’s going to have about it, their love story, with their little girl who’s becoming a part of it.She can see it already, she can see the curious beautiful eyes, hear the question in the sweet little voice, and she already knows what she’s going to say.

_“It started with a love letter…..”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Readers, I truly cannot thank you enough for taking the time to read this fic. I had this plotted out for a while, but started writing that first week of January because I needed another escape. Thank you so much for making this story come to life for me with your thoughts and reactions. From making threats against original characters to demands that I include locket in the story, your comments made me laugh, smile, and think, letting me escape from the unstable world and burrow into a happy safe place. I can see this version of LJ/PK so clearly now that it will be hard for me to let it go. I plan to make occasional updates in this universe, so if you'd like to keep up with them, please subscribe. I'd love for you to continue on this journey, too.  
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> 
> Please let me know your thoughts about the ending. I rewrote this six times. 😅
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> 
> Chapter title is from "Islands" by The xx.


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